i was in a polyamorous relationship prior to my
involvement in BDSM. Just prior in fact. It was the last psuedo-vanilla
relationship i was in before my interest in the lifestyle. And
i call it psuedo-vanilla because while we were a threesome MFF triad and we
certainly got up to some shenanigans, it was kinky without being BDSM. Although
looking back at it, i was very submissive to both of them, i just didn’t call
it that.
So i’m going to speak to my experiences. i’ve never been in
a poly that allowed for multiple partners without some commitment between all
of them, but i can say i don’t plan to be in another poly situation.
They were a couple and i was their third, yes the fabled
unicorn, and we had a lot of fun but we had a lot of issues at the same time.
my opinion on poly is this: each person added to a
relationship increases the difficulty.
i had my relationship with him, and my relationship with
her, that’s two relationships i had to nurture. She had her relationship with
me and her relationship with him, that’s two relationships for her to nurture.
He had his relationship with her and his relationship with me, that’s still two
more relationships that need care and attention within the dynamic.
i count them all as six separate relationships because
i wasn't taking care of herrelationship with me, i was
taking care of my relationship with her, if that makes sense.
When you are in a poly relationship, you have to
be okay with being ignored sometimes. It is normal and natural for
the attention to shift between those involved. Sometimes the focus is between
you and one or both of the others, and sometimes the focus is on one of them or
between them.
So sometimes the focus is shifting equally between the three
of you.
And sometimes you are the focus of two peoples attentions
which can be amazing and intense. And sometimes two of you are focused on the
other giving them the amazing and intense experience.
But sometimes it is only between you and one of the others,
while the other is off to the side and left out, and sometimes you are off to
the side and left out while they are focused on each other.
If a person isn’t %100 okay with sharing
and being left out sometimes, there will be problems.
And if someone had to be talked into it or isn’t completely
confident and certain of their place in the relationship there will be
insecurities. In fact scratch that, and let me just say, there are
insecurities.
It’s hard to be left out when two people you are intensely
passionate about are lost in their own world.
It’s hard when you realize you have possibly hurt someone
you care about by leaving them out.
It’s hard when the focus is on you and you feel selfish for
“hogging."
It’s hard when the focus is off you and you feel left out
and ignored.
It’s just hard.
It takes a tremendous amount of self confidence and
confidence in your partners to maintain a poly relationship. It isn’t for
everyone. After the fact, i can say it isn’t for me.
When they work, they are amazing and beautiful and fun and a
whole lot of things, but it doesn’t take much to make them not work.
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