Safe Words

Again and again i see posts from submissives who think they have no say in their relationships.

Again and again i see posts from Dominants who think submissives have no say in their relationships.

i see shit like “He hasn’t granted me a safe word yet.” like it’s a privilege that has to be earned.

i get it if Y/you don’t like or feel that protocol is necessary. i get that Y/you love the feeling of surrender/control. i get that relationships get comfortable and filled with trust.

But granting someone a safe word is total bullshit. 

A safe word’s sole purpose is to convey consent. 

It is a conversation that has occurred between and Dominant and submissive, between a bottom and a Top, between a Sadist and a masochist before play has begun, where limits have been discussed. 

It establishes the submissive/bottom/masochists consent to whatever play is taking place.

It establishes the Dominant/Top/Sadists consent to whatever play is taking place.

It establishes a way for both to check in on the other persons level of comfort with the play that is taking place.

That’s it. It isn’t earned. It isn’t a holy writ. It isn’t a privileged.

It is understanding what consent is and making sure that consent still exists as play progresses.

It’s that simple. It’s that straight forward. It’s that basic.

Consent can be present without safe words. But if Y/you are going to be pushing limits, either physical or emotional, if Y/you are going to be experiencing all the intensity that goes along with that, consent can change in a heartbeat. 

The most common safe words are green, for full speed ahead, yellow, for proceed with caution, and red, for stop. They mimic traffic lights for a reason.

Safe words aren’t about right or wrong or even Dominance and submission. They are words that are meant for safety.

~sandi

Trying something new

i'm thinking about writing some longer articles here about the lifestyle. Not sure yet what i will use for topics. Please feel free to leave a comment.

~sandi

How can i put this...

i get approached on tumblr. fairly often via asks and if i don't ignore it because it's completely inappropriate you probably have received a response.

i suppose it shouldn't surprise me, but somehow it always does when the unknown and unmet person on the other side of the ask assumes:

1. i'm a slave
2. i am "unowned" and seeking some foulmouthed asshole to step in and take control of me, or alternately, that
3. i am "owned" and must seek permission from my "owner" to speak with them

The number of assumptions involved boggles my mind.

i identify as a submissive.

There is nothing wrong with identifying as a slave, i just don't happen to.

If you're approaching me on my tumblr. i would hope you at least looked around a little bit before hitting the ask button, but even if you haven't it says i'm a submissive right below the enthralling pic of my left breast that seems to have prompted the ask... (sorry, i know sarcasm doesn't translate well to the written word, but i can't seem to help myself.)

In any case, let's assume for the sake of argument that i do identify as a slave. i still haven't met you or negotiated anything with you or agreed to be your slave.

Still my inbox gets filled by all kinds of idiocy.

i certainly haven't agreed to be your slut or your whore or your dirty little anything and yet that is frequently the opening gambit. No, i wont bow down before you. No, i wont grovel for you. And No, i certainly wont suck your cock.

On-line anonymity aside, how anyone thinks they can approach a stranger whom they know nothing about and start throwing that shit down blows me away.

Again, i have nothing against being a slut, whore or dirty anything for a person with whom i have negotiated and made agreements. In fact i quite enjoy it. But not from some "Dom" who clearly knows nothing of the lifestyle.

Seriously, you're outing yourself with that behavior. 

And finally, if i did identify as a slave and have an owner with whom i have given control and permission is required prior to my speaking with someone other than them or approved friends, why would i respond?

If my agreements preclude me corresponding and/or speaking with others not approved by my owner, and i were to respond to your message i would be breaking the very agreement that you assume is in place.

i suppose i could be prompted by your rude assumptions to rush off and ask my owner to allow me to speak with you prior to responding, but that seems a little far fetched. Most Dom's i know are as irritated and annoyed by your behavior as i am.

So, hmmm, let me think about this for a minute....no, No, NO. 

i'm a firm believer in the adage that if you feed a troll you have to keep it, so i avert my eyes and walk on by.

~sandi

And then, i just have to add this because maybe it is an honest mistake.  If you are new to the lifestyle and you don't know where to meet people or learn, then send me a civil message stating it and ask for the information you need. Most people in the lifestyle will respect you for it and it doesn't make you any less dominant. Everyone was new at one time.

Subspace

There seems to be a lot of interest in subspace, and i see some people holding it up as sort of a "gold standard" they use to judge Dominants and submissives and scenes with, and quite honestly that's bullshit.

Subspace is just a place you sometimes end up in your head and it's different for everyone. It's also not exclusive to submissives, Dominants experience it too.

For myself, i don't recognize i'm in subspace until after the fact and probably wouldn't have labeled it as such if i hadn't dropped so hard after my first experience with it. And even then it was several days before i could actually process it and articulate it.

For me, subspace is everything feeling right and wanting more.

It's like that perfect date we all dream of where everyone says the "right" thing and does the "right" thing. Where everyone is witty and clever and the food is perfectly flavored and there is the exact perfect amount. Where you think of and say the perfect response to whatever your date says, and they say the perfect thing back.

Only it's a scene and the things being done and said involve pain and humiliation.

For me, it's feeling no hesitation and no trepidation even when you're skirting along the edges of your limits. Everything feels good and tastes good and you're all powerful and the world is beautiful and you can move mountains with your bliss.

In short, it's a really good endorphin high. Your system is flooded with adrenaline and all kinds of other feel good hormones and you feel alive. Alive alive.

Does it happen every time? nope. Does that mean other scenes aren't good scenes and other fun isn't good fun? nope. It just means that this one particular scene ended up there.

And the thing is, it wouldn't be as amazing when it does happen if it happened that way every single time. Plus it would be exhausting. Like take a week or more to recover at least, exhausting.

And everything can't be perfect all the time. And everyone can't be perfect all the time.

And sometimes less is more. And i can't stress that enough. Sometimes less is more.

If you go into every scene expecting perfection i don't see how you can avoid being disappointed. Scenes are about having fun not about being perfect.

And honestly, when it happens for me, i never know it's happening while it's happening. i'm just having a really good time.

And then also there's drop to contend with. The first time i experienced that i wasn't expecting it at all. And now, even knowing what drop feels like, knowing what to expect, it still really sucks. i can't stress this enough. i don't like drop at all.

But if you have this idea in your head that to be a good submissive or to be a good Dominant or to have a good scene that subspace has to be achieved you're missing out on a lot of fun.

A lot, a lot of fun.

~sandi

ps. agree with me? disagree with me? leave a comment please. :)

When i kneel...

i am not less because i choose to kneel. 

You are not more because You choose to stand over me.

The choice isn't to put someone else's needs above your own.

The choice isn't to give up our rights.

The choice isn't to give up our minds.

The choice is to fulfill our needs. 

The choice is to mutually do and give and experience things together that enrich U/us both.

The choice is for actions and experiences that require the other to be possible.

The choice cannot be made alone. 

A submissive can kneel before many people without it being submission. 

A Dominant can stand over many people without it being domination.

It's give and take. 

It's mutual. 

It's supportive. 

It's equal.

The choice is to trust.

The choice is to become.

The choice is empowering for both sides.

When i kneel i am not choosing to be less.

When i kneel i am choosing to be more.

~sandi

The Bra - A tutorial

i had a bit of fun earlier this year making a spiked bra and it's been an incredibly popular post on my tumblr.

So...for those of Y/you who would like to make one of your own, here are the instructions.

Materials

• A bra of appropriate size
• Metal spikes, i got mine here
• A nail
• Hex screw driver

Here's what i did, and what i would do differently if i ever make a second one.

To put the spikes in you just have to push a hole through the material first, which i did with a nail that was close in size to the shaft of the spike. The spikes screw together, so push the spike shaft through the hole and tighten the back with the driver. Easy peasey. :)

For this bra i started in the center of each cup and put in four holes surrounding the nipple area, and then worked out from there trying to stagger the placement of the spikes. It turned out well enough, but if i were to do it again i would start at the edge and work my way across the cup of the bra. The reason being it got a little uneven and difficult to gage placement and ultimately i wanted the entire cup filled anyway. It doesn't keep it from being a delicious toy to play with, but i would like it better if the spacing had been consistent throughout and i just couldn't achieve it the way i started.

Wearing it is incredible fun. When it's first on it's a little uncomfortable but not incredibly so. If you spend your time with a sadist they seem to take great pleasure in squeezing, pressing, pushing etc. which can go from pretty mild to pretty intense. Even without the assistance of a sadist after a while the spikes start to ache a little and the pain increases the longer it is worn.

Something i wasn't expecting is when your breast is squeezed inside the bra, because it's a supple fabric the ends of the spikes move together and apart which pinches and is particularly ouchy. Especially when it gets just a little bit of skin between the tips of the spikes.

And all pain aside, just having it on, the weight and the pressure of it makes one incredibly aware of their breasts.

That's it, it's incredibly simple but somehow people seem to be intimidated by the idea. Don't be, it was amazingly easy and inexpensive and only took and hour or so to make. And it's great fun.

If Y/you have any questions let me know in the comments. i would love to see Y/your projects if you try it or something similar.

~sandi

As a submissive i am strong as fuck

As a submissive i am strong as fuck, don’t ever forget it.

Do i enjoy rough play? Absolutely.

Do i enjoy differing to my Dominant? You bet!

Does giving up control turn me on? More than you know.

Does rough play and pain arouse me? More than i would have thought possible.

Am i weak? No.

Am i less? Hell no.

Am i more breakable than any other woman on the planet? Not a chance.

i am as breakable as any other person on the planet, submissive or not. i am as needy. i have just as many insecurities, flaws, desires, fears, etc.

As a submissive in a consensual D/s relationship, i am strong as fuck. 

It’s my choice to be on my knees.

It’s my choice to bend, to bow, to submit, to kneel, to obey. mine. my choice is what keeps me there. my resolve. my willpower.

You may be spanking me, flogging me, tormenting, teasing or punishing me. But my safewords are mine. my consent is mine, i’m the one who decides to use them or withdraw my consent. 

Just to be clear. i’m a submissive and i’m strong as fuck.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here