i’ve
been thinking about writing this for some time, it’s just taken me this long to
gather my thoughts on what i want to say.
And
it should go without saying, but i’m going to say it anyway. The safety and
well being of children is the responsibility of every adult on the planet. It doesn't matter if they are your children or someone else’s, children need and should be able to depend on the adults of the world to look out for their best
interests. Children are not capable of giving informed consent.
Having
said that, here goes….
A
lot of what we do in the world of BDSM is about fantasy fulfillment. The
fantasy of having someone completely within Your power, of being completely
within the power of someone else. The fantasy of removing choices, or having
choices removed.
Bondage.
Rape. Torture. Domination. Submission.
There
are lots of fantasies, and lots of ways to fulfill them.
But fantasy is exactly what it is, and it can never be confused with
reality.
Take
abduction fantasies as an example.
The
fantasy of having someone bound and waiting on your pleasure, of being bound
helpless at someone else’s mercy. If you are the “abductor” or the “abductee”
in the scenario, it’s some pretty potent stuff.
And
in the fantasy that’s how it works. The submissive is tied up, left in a room,
the Dominant comes and goes as they please, uses them as they choose, complete
power and control.
The
reality is very different.
If
a person were, indeed, tied to a bed, or anything else for that matter, and
immobile for any length of time, you run the risk of bed sores.
That’s
right, decubitus ulcers. They result from continued pressure to soft tissues
that interrupts the blood supply when a person is unable to move to relieve the
pressure. They’re pretty ugly, and can be difficult to heal.
We
run the risk of nerve damage if the bonds are too tight. If you experience pins
and needles when the ropes are untied or the cuffs are removed, your nerves
have been affected. For short periods of time it’s probably not serious or
permanent, but are you and your partner paying attention?
We
run the risk of emotional trauma if either one of you buy into the fantasy too
deeply or trigger something from the past. Have Y/you discussed your histories?
Y/your triggers?
We
run all kinds of risks.
That’s
why, as responsible players, we don’t ever tie someone up and walk away. Ever.
If
the fantasy requires the illusion of abandonment, then certainly the “abductor”
may move out of site of the “abducted” but they stay within hearing of their
“victim” and are prepared to intervene quickly if the need arises.
As
responsible players, we have to look out for the well being of our play
partners, if for no other reason, so we can continue to play with them.
As
responsible players, we play with tools on hand to quickly remove ropes and
other bondage items if the need arises.
As
responsible players, we educate ourselves so we don’t damage or injure our
partners, either physically or emotionally.
As
responsible players, we let our partners know if something doesn't feel right
or is becoming too much for us.
As responsible players we play in the fantasy without confusing
it with reality.
Are
you leaving toys in too long? Are those bonds too tight? Are you striking them
in a safe place/way? Are the toys you are playing with clean? Has everyone
involved consented to the actions taking place?
All
parties involved are responsible for the reality check. Not just the Dominant,
not just the submissive. If Y/you are participating in fantasy
play, Y/you are responsible for Y/your own safety and the safety of your play
partner(s).
If
you are the submissive, the bottom, the slave, you aren't doing your partner or
yourself any favors by keeping quiet about things that aren't going well. If
you are at risk and you don’t clue them in to the situation, to your distress
and they don’t pick up on it, both of you will have to deal with the
consequences.
If
you are the Dominant, the Top, the Master, you aren't doing your partner or
yourself any favors if you don’t check in on their well being, if you don’t pay
attention to their physical and emotional health. And you will both have to
deal with the consequences if things take a turn for the worse.
It’s
the irresponsible players who mess things up for the rest of us. It’s the ones
who confuse fantasy with reality and muck up the works, who give BDSM a bad
name, who get laws passed and take away our fun.
So
be responsible. Enjoy the fantasy, but live in reality.
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