Let me clarify…

It is not a good thing to accidentally do anything that causes injury during lifestyle play.

It is completely irresponsible and unsafe to play with someone, even yourself, who is being incautious enough to accidentally cause harm. Many types of play in the lifestyle are dangerous. And by dangerous i mean an activity that can cause youserious bodily harm or death. 

It isn’t safe for a sub, and it isn’t safe for a Dom to be playing without taking care and precautions to prevent that from happening.

As a sub, you could end up with permanent injuries, nerve damage, paralysis or death. As a Dom You could end up in a lawsuit, behind bars, or depending on the laws where you reside, facing the death penalty.

No one wants that.

If you are participating in play where the intention is to cause controlled injuries to the body, and by that i mean bruising, bleeding, burning, scarring, Y/you damn well better be doing it in a responsible, controlled, planned way.

Know anatomy and know where You are striking Your sub/bottom. If You are striking them repeatedly or with force over bony protuberances on the body, You may bruise or break the bone. If You strike them repeatedly or with force over their kidneys You may bruise or scar their kidneys.

There are numerous publications and websites that have charts showing safe and unsafe area’s to strike a person. Study them.

With Your hand, a whip, a paddle, a crop, a flogger, a cane, anything You are using to strike them, know Your instruments, know Your art, know where to strike and where not to strike, and the amount of force it is safe to use.

Always have sharp scissors, preferably bandage scissors, handy when You are tying someone up. It only takes a few minutes for lack of blood supply/oxygen to cause necrosis of tissues and nerve damage.

If it took You 20 minutes to tie them up and it’s going to take You 10 minutes to untie them, You better have a backup plan for when things go wrong, and with rope play Your best backup is a pair of bandage scissors and depending on the rigging a spotter to help if/when things go wrong.

There are so many potentially dangerous forms of play, that’s why trust, knowledge, knowing Y/your play partner, education, negotiation and control are so important.

Part of being a good Dom or sub is playing responsibly.

Yes, accidents may happen, but if Y/you play responsibly Y/you minimize the risk. If it was something that could have easily been prevented, then maybe Y/you shouldn't be playing with that person or in that way.

So yes, i accidentally burned myself with my wand, and yes i was being stupid. It’s not something i'm bragging about or proud of, it’s something stupid that i shouldn't have let happen.

It is no good to play with someone who gets so caught up in the play that they lose sight of safety, even if that someone is yourself.

Be smart, play responsibly. When Y/you don’t and something serious happens, W/we all suffer the consequences. :(

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

There is a Difference…

There is a difference between dominance and aggression.

The dictionary defines aggression as:

1. Hostile or violent behavior or attitudes toward another; readiness to attack or confront. 
2. The action of attacking without provocation, esp. in beginning a quarrel or war. 
3. The action of a state in violating by force the rights of another state.
4. Any offensive action, attack, or procedure; an inroad or encroachment: an aggression upon one’s rights. 
5. Psychiatry. overt or suppressed hostility, either innate or resulting from continued frustration and directed outward or against oneself.

Being a Dom isn't about being aggressive. Being dominant is about being in control, it’s about power and power exchange, command and consent. They may be sadists who practice their arts on masochists, but then again they may not, it depends on the kinks of those involved.

There is a difference between rough sex and abuse. Know who you are playing with, know why you are playing that way. Don’t confuse reality with fantasy. And don’t confuse dominance with aggression.

There is a difference.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

It Doesn't Work That Way

i see so many new submissives thinking they have no say in their relationship with their Dom and it doesn't work that way.

If you have no say with your Dom, it is because you have negotiated to give them that control, not because you are submissive and you have no choice and your Dom has taken it away from you.

i am submissive, not because i like to be abused, neglected, made to do things i don’t like and ignored. i am submissive because i take joy and pleasure in submitting to another’s will. It turns me on, it gets me off. i love when He tells me what to do, when He pushes limits, when He makes decisions and choices for me, but not ones that make me miserable and unhappy all the time.

If He is pushing a limit and helping me to expand my understanding, my experience, my pleasure and my joy, then yes, please, push me past my comfort zone, it may be difficult but i know and have consented to that difficulty, i know, W/we know, that ultimately He is giving me what i want, i know i can trust Him with my limits.

But that isn’t Him pushing me to do things i am genuinely not okay with. It is not Him pursuing only His pleasure while neglecting mine. And the way that He knows the difference is limits and negotiation. Limits are good. Everyone has them, Doms have limits, subs have limits. 

Limits protect your relationship. They set the boundary's of Y/your play. They show you where the line is, where to push, where to pull back. Know Y/your limits, discuss them, negotiate them, they are for both of Y/you.

Your Dom isn't doing you a favor by dominating you any more than you are doing your Dom a favor by submitting to Him. You submit to Him because it brings you pleasure and joy, He dominates you because it brings Him pleasure and joy.

He wants the D/s relationship as much as you do, He is getting something from the D/s relationship as much as you are. It is as much His best interest to know your limits as it is yours.

If He is consistently pushing you past what is acceptable to you, the relationship will fail. If Y/you aren't discussing both of your wants and needs, it will fall apart. You may lose your Dom, but He is losing His sub as well. Talk about limits, understand them, accept them, work around them, negotiate, communicate.

i love giving up control, i love submitting, i am submissive.

There are many submissives in the world, and luckily there are Doms out there to compliment that feeling, who love receiving that control. But no matter if it is a long term relationship, or a one time scene, what is going on between Y/you during that time is a relationship.

Y/you are in this together. You don’t just show up as a sub and start doing everything He tells you to do without discussion. Just because you are sub doesn't put you at the whim or mercy of any Dom that comes along who wants to dominate you. He isn't all knowing, if Y/you haven’t discussed it, negotiated it, how can you possible serve Him well, how can He possibly dominate you. It doesn't work that way!

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here