BDSM, fiction, and Oz

People sometimes ask when i decided to be submissive, or when i knew i was submissive, and the thing is, i’ve always known. i didn’t always call it that, but it’s always been at the very essence of who i am.

So i get it. i understand why so many people heard about 50 Shades and read it and were moved or affected by it. i don’t understand how they got past the bad writing, but the topic, i know why that’s so appealing.

From the outside, BDSM is pretty horrific. 

Sure people bandy about words like consent, but from the outside, it looks like some crazy wack job is consenting for some other crazy wack job to do awful, horrible, unspeakable things to them. They just give up all their rights and endure and these sick people somehow get off on it. Sick people doing sick things to other sick people. 

Who’s going to do that? Crazies, that’s who. 

So it’s not a very accessible topic.

Masochism? Sadists? BDSM? No thank you.

i’ve known all my life that i’m a pleaser. i was recently called an empath by a friend. i feel for other people and honestly enjoy their enjoyment, their fun, their pleasure. It gives me pleasure to please others. There’s nothing sick or scary about that, but tack any kind of BDSM label like submissive on it and we've gotten into some rocky territory.

The understanding that consent can be given only to specific people in specific circumstances for specific things isn’t observed from the outside. And the idea that consent can be removed at any time for any reason…what?

The communication, the negotiation, the relationships all happen off stage.

Even the movie The Secretary, which i love, doesn't show any negotiation happening. The closest thing you see to it in the movie is when he tells her to stop cutting and the fact that she actively pursues him. i like to believe that those necessary conversations are happening off screen but that may just be me justifying my like of the movie.

And for myself, i saw The Secretary before i became involved in the lifestyle. And i was shocked and amazed that it was a tender love story that involved BDSM. They were still damaged people doing freaky things together, but they loved each other, and for me, it made BDSM just that much more accessible. That much more within my reach.   

From the outside, BDSM is very black and white.

So it shouldn't be a surprise that someone outside of the lifestyle who writes a novel about BDSM as they perceive it is going to get it wrong.

It also shouldn't be a surprise that a person who has denied the possibility of their submissive or Dominant nature is going to read a book like 50 Shades (assuming they get past the bad writing) and latch onto a “love story” where people indulge in what the reader perceives as BDSM and it somehow all works out in the end.

i think the main difference between The Secretary and 50 Shades of Grey is that The Secretary probably fairly accurately portrays how the uninformed stumble into the lifestyle and 50 Shades is beyond unbelievable in it’s plot and characters.

My main beef with 50 Shades of Grey (aside from the bad writing) has more to do with its readers, some of whom are my friends, who somehow think it is the new gospel of BDSM. And the reason i dislike the book so much is it’s widespread acceptance as being representative of BDSM.

There’s plenty of other BDSM fiction that gets it all wrong and nobody cares. 

The Sleeping Beauty novels make my panties wet and there isn't a moment of negotiation or communication or reality or consent anywhere in those books. They also don’t pretend to be anything other than a kinky fantasy fairy tale and no one mistakes them with anything to do with reality.

So if you came to the lifestyle because 50 Shades of Grey made it more accessible, good for you. We are all on our own journey and we can reach the same destination from many different paths. 

But please don’t think that you have to do something you don’t want to because you are submissive or Dominant. 

Please don’t think that once you have given your consent that you have given up the right to withdraw it. 

Please don’t think that as a submissive you don’t have the right to say no, or to express your concerns or talk about what you like, want or need from your partner to be happy.

Please don’t think that you have to be anything other than your full authentic self to fit into the lifestyle.

BDSM isn’t about shades of grey. It’s about a full color spectrum of people and activities and choices that make our world beautiful. Don’t limit yourself to Kansas when you could be playing in Oz.

-sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here