Safe Words

Again and again i see posts from submissives who think they have no say in their relationships.

Again and again i see posts from Dominants who think submissives have no say in their relationships.

i see shit like “He hasn’t granted me a safe word yet.” like it’s a privilege that has to be earned.

i get it if Y/you don’t like or feel that protocol is necessary. i get that Y/you love the feeling of surrender/control. i get that relationships get comfortable and filled with trust.

But granting someone a safe word is total bullshit. 

A safe word’s sole purpose is to convey consent. 

It is a conversation that has occurred between and Dominant and submissive, between a bottom and a Top, between a Sadist and a masochist before play has begun, where limits have been discussed. 

It establishes the submissive/bottom/masochists consent to whatever play is taking place.

It establishes the Dominant/Top/Sadists consent to whatever play is taking place.

It establishes a way for both to check in on the other persons level of comfort with the play that is taking place.

That’s it. It isn’t earned. It isn’t a holy writ. It isn’t a privileged.

It is understanding what consent is and making sure that consent still exists as play progresses.

It’s that simple. It’s that straight forward. It’s that basic.

Consent can be present without safe words. But if Y/you are going to be pushing limits, either physical or emotional, if Y/you are going to be experiencing all the intensity that goes along with that, consent can change in a heartbeat. 

The most common safe words are green, for full speed ahead, yellow, for proceed with caution, and red, for stop. They mimic traffic lights for a reason.

Safe words aren’t about right or wrong or even Dominance and submission. They are words that are meant for safety.

~sandi

How can i put this...

i get approached on tumblr. fairly often via asks and if i don't ignore it because it's completely inappropriate you probably have received a response.

i suppose it shouldn't surprise me, but somehow it always does when the unknown and unmet person on the other side of the ask assumes:

1. i'm a slave
2. i am "unowned" and seeking some foulmouthed asshole to step in and take control of me, or alternately, that
3. i am "owned" and must seek permission from my "owner" to speak with them

The number of assumptions involved boggles my mind.

i identify as a submissive.

There is nothing wrong with identifying as a slave, i just don't happen to.

If you're approaching me on my tumblr. i would hope you at least looked around a little bit before hitting the ask button, but even if you haven't it says i'm a submissive right below the enthralling pic of my left breast that seems to have prompted the ask... (sorry, i know sarcasm doesn't translate well to the written word, but i can't seem to help myself.)

In any case, let's assume for the sake of argument that i do identify as a slave. i still haven't met you or negotiated anything with you or agreed to be your slave.

Still my inbox gets filled by all kinds of idiocy.

i certainly haven't agreed to be your slut or your whore or your dirty little anything and yet that is frequently the opening gambit. No, i wont bow down before you. No, i wont grovel for you. And No, i certainly wont suck your cock.

On-line anonymity aside, how anyone thinks they can approach a stranger whom they know nothing about and start throwing that shit down blows me away.

Again, i have nothing against being a slut, whore or dirty anything for a person with whom i have negotiated and made agreements. In fact i quite enjoy it. But not from some "Dom" who clearly knows nothing of the lifestyle.

Seriously, you're outing yourself with that behavior. 

And finally, if i did identify as a slave and have an owner with whom i have given control and permission is required prior to my speaking with someone other than them or approved friends, why would i respond?

If my agreements preclude me corresponding and/or speaking with others not approved by my owner, and i were to respond to your message i would be breaking the very agreement that you assume is in place.

i suppose i could be prompted by your rude assumptions to rush off and ask my owner to allow me to speak with you prior to responding, but that seems a little far fetched. Most Dom's i know are as irritated and annoyed by your behavior as i am.

So, hmmm, let me think about this for a minute....no, No, NO. 

i'm a firm believer in the adage that if you feed a troll you have to keep it, so i avert my eyes and walk on by.

~sandi

And then, i just have to add this because maybe it is an honest mistake.  If you are new to the lifestyle and you don't know where to meet people or learn, then send me a civil message stating it and ask for the information you need. Most people in the lifestyle will respect you for it and it doesn't make you any less dominant. Everyone was new at one time.

Subspace

There seems to be a lot of interest in subspace, and i see some people holding it up as sort of a "gold standard" they use to judge Dominants and submissives and scenes with, and quite honestly that's bullshit.

Subspace is just a place you sometimes end up in your head and it's different for everyone. It's also not exclusive to submissives, Dominants experience it too.

For myself, i don't recognize i'm in subspace until after the fact and probably wouldn't have labeled it as such if i hadn't dropped so hard after my first experience with it. And even then it was several days before i could actually process it and articulate it.

For me, subspace is everything feeling right and wanting more.

It's like that perfect date we all dream of where everyone says the "right" thing and does the "right" thing. Where everyone is witty and clever and the food is perfectly flavored and there is the exact perfect amount. Where you think of and say the perfect response to whatever your date says, and they say the perfect thing back.

Only it's a scene and the things being done and said involve pain and humiliation.

For me, it's feeling no hesitation and no trepidation even when you're skirting along the edges of your limits. Everything feels good and tastes good and you're all powerful and the world is beautiful and you can move mountains with your bliss.

In short, it's a really good endorphin high. Your system is flooded with adrenaline and all kinds of other feel good hormones and you feel alive. Alive alive.

Does it happen every time? nope. Does that mean other scenes aren't good scenes and other fun isn't good fun? nope. It just means that this one particular scene ended up there.

And the thing is, it wouldn't be as amazing when it does happen if it happened that way every single time. Plus it would be exhausting. Like take a week or more to recover at least, exhausting.

And everything can't be perfect all the time. And everyone can't be perfect all the time.

And sometimes less is more. And i can't stress that enough. Sometimes less is more.

If you go into every scene expecting perfection i don't see how you can avoid being disappointed. Scenes are about having fun not about being perfect.

And honestly, when it happens for me, i never know it's happening while it's happening. i'm just having a really good time.

And then also there's drop to contend with. The first time i experienced that i wasn't expecting it at all. And now, even knowing what drop feels like, knowing what to expect, it still really sucks. i can't stress this enough. i don't like drop at all.

But if you have this idea in your head that to be a good submissive or to be a good Dominant or to have a good scene that subspace has to be achieved you're missing out on a lot of fun.

A lot, a lot of fun.

~sandi

ps. agree with me? disagree with me? leave a comment please. :)

As a submissive i am strong as fuck

As a submissive i am strong as fuck, don’t ever forget it.

Do i enjoy rough play? Absolutely.

Do i enjoy differing to my Dominant? You bet!

Does giving up control turn me on? More than you know.

Does rough play and pain arouse me? More than i would have thought possible.

Am i weak? No.

Am i less? Hell no.

Am i more breakable than any other woman on the planet? Not a chance.

i am as breakable as any other person on the planet, submissive or not. i am as needy. i have just as many insecurities, flaws, desires, fears, etc.

As a submissive in a consensual D/s relationship, i am strong as fuck. 

It’s my choice to be on my knees.

It’s my choice to bend, to bow, to submit, to kneel, to obey. mine. my choice is what keeps me there. my resolve. my willpower.

You may be spanking me, flogging me, tormenting, teasing or punishing me. But my safewords are mine. my consent is mine, i’m the one who decides to use them or withdraw my consent. 

Just to be clear. i’m a submissive and i’m strong as fuck.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here 

Fantasy vs Reality

i’ve been thinking about writing this for some time, it’s just taken me this long to gather my thoughts on what i want to say.

And it should go without saying, but i’m going to say it anyway. The safety and well being of children is the responsibility of every adult on the planet. It doesn't matter if they are your children or someone else’s, children need and should be able to depend on the adults of the world to look out for their best interests. Children are not capable of giving informed consent.

Having said that, here goes….

A lot of what we do in the world of  BDSM is about fantasy fulfillment. The fantasy of having someone completely within Your power, of being completely within the power of someone else. The fantasy of removing choices, or having choices removed. 

Bondage. Rape. Torture. Domination. Submission.

There are lots of fantasies, and lots of ways to fulfill them.

But fantasy is exactly what it is, and it can never be confused with reality.

Take abduction fantasies as an example.

The fantasy of having someone bound and waiting on your pleasure, of being bound helpless at someone else’s mercy. If you are the “abductor” or the “abductee” in the scenario, it’s some pretty potent stuff.

And in the fantasy that’s how it works. The submissive is tied up, left in a room, the Dominant comes and goes as they please, uses them as they choose, complete power and control.

The reality is very different.

If a person were, indeed, tied to a bed, or anything else for that matter, and immobile for any length of time, you run the risk of bed sores.

That’s right, decubitus ulcers. They result from continued pressure to soft tissues that interrupts the blood supply when a person is unable to move to relieve the pressure. They’re pretty ugly, and can be difficult to heal. 

We run the risk of nerve damage if the bonds are too tight. If you experience pins and needles when the ropes are untied or the cuffs are removed, your nerves have been affected. For short periods of time it’s probably not serious or permanent, but are you and your partner paying attention?

We run the risk of emotional trauma if either one of you buy into the fantasy too deeply or trigger something from the past. Have Y/you discussed your histories? Y/your triggers?

We run all kinds of risks.

That’s why, as responsible players, we don’t ever tie someone up and walk away. Ever.

If the fantasy requires the illusion of abandonment, then certainly the “abductor” may move out of site of the “abducted” but they stay within hearing of their “victim” and are prepared to intervene quickly if the need arises.

As responsible players, we have to look out for the well being of our play partners, if for no other reason, so we can continue to play with them.

As responsible players, we play with tools on hand to quickly remove ropes and other bondage items if the need arises.

As responsible players, we educate ourselves so we don’t damage or injure our partners, either physically or emotionally.

As responsible players, we let our partners know if something doesn't feel right or is becoming too much for us.

As responsible players we play in the fantasy without confusing it with reality.

Are you leaving toys in too long? Are those bonds too tight? Are you striking them in a safe place/way? Are the toys you are playing with clean? Has everyone involved consented to the actions taking place?

All parties involved are responsible for the reality check. Not just the Dominant, not just the submissive. If Y/you are participating in fantasy play, Y/you are responsible for Y/your own safety and the safety of your play partner(s).

If you are the submissive, the bottom, the slave, you aren't doing your partner or yourself any favors by keeping quiet about things that aren't going well. If you are at risk and you don’t clue them in to the situation, to your distress and they don’t pick up on it, both of you will have to deal with the consequences.

If you are the Dominant, the Top, the Master, you aren't doing your partner or yourself any favors if you don’t check in on their well being, if you don’t pay attention to their physical and emotional health. And you will both have to deal with the consequences if things take a turn for the worse.

It’s the irresponsible players who mess things up for the rest of us. It’s the ones who confuse fantasy with reality and muck up the works, who give BDSM a bad name, who get laws passed and take away our fun.

So be responsible. Enjoy the fantasy, but live in reality.  

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here