Why “True” isn’t the truth

When someone says they are a “true” Dom or a “true” sub it bothers me. There is an implication with the label that there is a right way and a wrong way to be Dominant or submissive. 

And please don’t think i’m saying that abuse can’t or doesn’t happen, but abuse isn’t a Dominant or submissive trait, it’s a condition of misuse, of non-consent. And abuse is part of why i take issue with the idea of “true.”

Saying you are a “true” Dominant, or a “true” submissive implies that the way you practice your kink is the right or correct or true way to do it, and kinks that don’t match yours are somehow less. Less valid, less important, less true.

And that’s bullshit.

That’s like saying a rose is a “true” flower and a lily, or iris, or daisy isn’t.

They are all flowers, they just happen to be different. And if i like daisies better than roses, and you like irises but don’t like lilies, it doesn’t make one of us more right or more correct or better than the other, or one of the flowers more “true,” it just means we like different things.

And the problem with “true” is it opens the door for abuse. Because there are people, both Dominant and submissive, who will tell you that they are true Doms or true subs and then put pressure on others to conform to their preferences.

A “true” Dom does this, a “true” sub does that.

The way i play is the way i like to play. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just what i prefer. The way i identify is the way i identify, it’s not right or wrong, it’s just the way i feel about myself and my preferences.

And other people don’t get to tell you how you feel. Other people don’t get to tell you what you prefer. 

I’m no less submissive because blood is a hard limit for me. You are no more Dominant because You like blood play. It doesn’t make me a better submissive because i like floggers, it doesn’t make You a better Dominant because You don’t. It just means we have different preferences and probably wouldn’t make good play partners. 

Limits are normal and acceptable and necessary. And Y/your limits are exactly that, Y/yours.

The submission of a pain slut is no better or worse than the submission of a kitten or a little or a slave. A Dominant who prefers sensual play to pain play or ropes, or who prefers a brat that he has to battle for control isn’t more or less dominant because of his preferences. They are just different ways of playing. One isn’t more “true” than the other.

Absolutely those differences are important when choosing a play partner. Absolutely Y/you need to talk about what Y/you want and need in a relationship. And if what Y/you want and need doesn’t match up with the Dom or sub Y/you are talking to, Y/you both need to know that before Y/you decide if Y/you should proceed with a D/s relationship or not. 

But preferences that don’t match up doesn’t make Y/you a better or worse submissive or Dominant, it just means Y/you like different things and might not make the best playmates.

So when someone touts about being a True Dominant or a true submissive, what that tells me is that they are trying to make themselves more and others less. They are no different than the conservative vanilla who says it’s the missionary position in a bedroom with the lights out, or it’s wrong. They are labeling their way of doing things as the only correct way. 

And that’s just not true. There’s nothing “true” about it.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here