Humiliation Play

My first Master was high protocol and a humiliation Dom so i had many many rules from him, which i loved, one of which was that i was never allowed to meet his eyes without permission, and i always had to have my eyes cast down unless otherwise instructed by him.

The humiliation was very ritualized and within “the scene.” Outside of play sessions he was very supportive and endlessly patient. And we talked about everything. But our play always started with me disrobing and crawling to his feet and then “assuming my position” which morphed and changed over time.

We didn’t start with a whole list of rules, we started with one, and over time we added rules, usually when he introduced a new aspect to our play. i always had to be able to recite my rules at any point he requested them, and that was both inside and outside of play.

At the time i was pretty terrified of most things BDSM, because i came into the lifestyle with all of the misconceptions that i think a lot of submissive’s have.

That is, i thought i was going to have to do anything/everything my Dom wanted regardless of how i felt about it, but i also felt such a tremendous need to submit, such an overwhelming desire to serve and please.

i say it all the time, but i was so very lucky to have met the people i did when i started my journey.

We talked about everything and then things would crop up in our play. The same would go for our rules, we would add a new rule and then once the rule was in place i had to be uber vigilant to keep it because his attention to detail was phenomenal.

It wasn't only that i had to follow the rules, but he paid attention to them and if i slipped up he caught it immediately. Immediately. He didn't necessarily tell me which rule i had broken, but he would let me know that i had broken one. Which would have me frantically going over everything I had said and done, trying to identify the mistake while continuing to follow his direction within the scene.

That makes for very intense play. i had a very clear understanding of what was expected of me. And a hyper awareness of what i was doing and that i was the focus of all of his attention. It’s amazing being the focus of that kind of attention.

i’m a pleaser and so i was never bratty or naughty on purpose. My focus was on following our rules and pleasing him during play.

He also spent time on aftercare, reassuring and comforting me and making sure that i knew he was very happy with me and my performance, etc. We probably spent as much time talking about it afterward as we had spent on the buildup before hand and he always gave me plenty of time to adjust to a rule before he added a new one.

i never knew exactly what or when he was going to have me do things, but during a scene at some point i would realize that he was going to have me do some humiliating thing that we had talked about and agreed that i would do.

So we may have talked about it a day before, or a week before, or longer, but i never knew for sure if he would actually have me do them or when. But we would be playing and suddenly (for me at least) i would realize what was coming.

And then the turmoil would start. i had safewords. i knew that i didn't have to do it. i knew he wanted it.

And the question for me was would i.

i can say with complete honesty i never knew for sure if i would be able to give him what he wanted until the actual moment when i did.

There was always enough time for me to think about what was coming once the realization struck that it was going to happen, time for me to think about what i was going to do, time for me to wonder if i could.

And then i would do it.

There is such a feeling of triumph, such a rush of power, in that moment. In being able to give your partner something that you didn't know if you were able to give.In overcoming my inner turmoil, fear, disgust, revulsion, shame, i don’t have words to describe it, but i always felt radiant in my humiliation. And proud.

And for me, that is the difference between humiliation play and abuse.

The relationship made me stronger, made me feel empowered and all powerful while I groveled at his feet. 

So, there’s my experience with humiliation play. Do i think it can be harmful? yes. Do i think it has to be harmful? Absolutely not. Would i play with humiliation with just any Dom? Of course not.

Humiliation play is just like any other type of BDSM play. The potential for abuse is there, the potential for harm is greater than with vanilla play, and communication and trust are mandatory. But oh, it’s a heady experience, and i reveled in it.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here