It Doesn't Work That Way

i see so many new submissives thinking they have no say in their relationship with their Dom and it doesn't work that way.

If you have no say with your Dom, it is because you have negotiated to give them that control, not because you are submissive and you have no choice and your Dom has taken it away from you.

i am submissive, not because i like to be abused, neglected, made to do things i don’t like and ignored. i am submissive because i take joy and pleasure in submitting to another’s will. It turns me on, it gets me off. i love when He tells me what to do, when He pushes limits, when He makes decisions and choices for me, but not ones that make me miserable and unhappy all the time.

If He is pushing a limit and helping me to expand my understanding, my experience, my pleasure and my joy, then yes, please, push me past my comfort zone, it may be difficult but i know and have consented to that difficulty, i know, W/we know, that ultimately He is giving me what i want, i know i can trust Him with my limits.

But that isn’t Him pushing me to do things i am genuinely not okay with. It is not Him pursuing only His pleasure while neglecting mine. And the way that He knows the difference is limits and negotiation. Limits are good. Everyone has them, Doms have limits, subs have limits. 

Limits protect your relationship. They set the boundary's of Y/your play. They show you where the line is, where to push, where to pull back. Know Y/your limits, discuss them, negotiate them, they are for both of Y/you.

Your Dom isn't doing you a favor by dominating you any more than you are doing your Dom a favor by submitting to Him. You submit to Him because it brings you pleasure and joy, He dominates you because it brings Him pleasure and joy.

He wants the D/s relationship as much as you do, He is getting something from the D/s relationship as much as you are. It is as much His best interest to know your limits as it is yours.

If He is consistently pushing you past what is acceptable to you, the relationship will fail. If Y/you aren't discussing both of your wants and needs, it will fall apart. You may lose your Dom, but He is losing His sub as well. Talk about limits, understand them, accept them, work around them, negotiate, communicate.

i love giving up control, i love submitting, i am submissive.

There are many submissives in the world, and luckily there are Doms out there to compliment that feeling, who love receiving that control. But no matter if it is a long term relationship, or a one time scene, what is going on between Y/you during that time is a relationship.

Y/you are in this together. You don’t just show up as a sub and start doing everything He tells you to do without discussion. Just because you are sub doesn't put you at the whim or mercy of any Dom that comes along who wants to dominate you. He isn't all knowing, if Y/you haven’t discussed it, negotiated it, how can you possible serve Him well, how can He possibly dominate you. It doesn't work that way!

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here