Safe Words

Again and again i see posts from submissives who think they have no say in their relationships.

Again and again i see posts from Dominants who think submissives have no say in their relationships.

i see shit like “He hasn’t granted me a safe word yet.” like it’s a privilege that has to be earned.

i get it if Y/you don’t like or feel that protocol is necessary. i get that Y/you love the feeling of surrender/control. i get that relationships get comfortable and filled with trust.

But granting someone a safe word is total bullshit. 

A safe word’s sole purpose is to convey consent. 

It is a conversation that has occurred between and Dominant and submissive, between a bottom and a Top, between a Sadist and a masochist before play has begun, where limits have been discussed. 

It establishes the submissive/bottom/masochists consent to whatever play is taking place.

It establishes the Dominant/Top/Sadists consent to whatever play is taking place.

It establishes a way for both to check in on the other persons level of comfort with the play that is taking place.

That’s it. It isn’t earned. It isn’t a holy writ. It isn’t a privileged.

It is understanding what consent is and making sure that consent still exists as play progresses.

It’s that simple. It’s that straight forward. It’s that basic.

Consent can be present without safe words. But if Y/you are going to be pushing limits, either physical or emotional, if Y/you are going to be experiencing all the intensity that goes along with that, consent can change in a heartbeat. 

The most common safe words are green, for full speed ahead, yellow, for proceed with caution, and red, for stop. They mimic traffic lights for a reason.

Safe words aren’t about right or wrong or even Dominance and submission. They are words that are meant for safety.

~sandi

How can i put this...

i get approached on tumblr. fairly often via asks and if i don't ignore it because it's completely inappropriate you probably have received a response.

i suppose it shouldn't surprise me, but somehow it always does when the unknown and unmet person on the other side of the ask assumes:

1. i'm a slave
2. i am "unowned" and seeking some foulmouthed asshole to step in and take control of me, or alternately, that
3. i am "owned" and must seek permission from my "owner" to speak with them

The number of assumptions involved boggles my mind.

i identify as a submissive.

There is nothing wrong with identifying as a slave, i just don't happen to.

If you're approaching me on my tumblr. i would hope you at least looked around a little bit before hitting the ask button, but even if you haven't it says i'm a submissive right below the enthralling pic of my left breast that seems to have prompted the ask... (sorry, i know sarcasm doesn't translate well to the written word, but i can't seem to help myself.)

In any case, let's assume for the sake of argument that i do identify as a slave. i still haven't met you or negotiated anything with you or agreed to be your slave.

Still my inbox gets filled by all kinds of idiocy.

i certainly haven't agreed to be your slut or your whore or your dirty little anything and yet that is frequently the opening gambit. No, i wont bow down before you. No, i wont grovel for you. And No, i certainly wont suck your cock.

On-line anonymity aside, how anyone thinks they can approach a stranger whom they know nothing about and start throwing that shit down blows me away.

Again, i have nothing against being a slut, whore or dirty anything for a person with whom i have negotiated and made agreements. In fact i quite enjoy it. But not from some "Dom" who clearly knows nothing of the lifestyle.

Seriously, you're outing yourself with that behavior. 

And finally, if i did identify as a slave and have an owner with whom i have given control and permission is required prior to my speaking with someone other than them or approved friends, why would i respond?

If my agreements preclude me corresponding and/or speaking with others not approved by my owner, and i were to respond to your message i would be breaking the very agreement that you assume is in place.

i suppose i could be prompted by your rude assumptions to rush off and ask my owner to allow me to speak with you prior to responding, but that seems a little far fetched. Most Dom's i know are as irritated and annoyed by your behavior as i am.

So, hmmm, let me think about this for a minute....no, No, NO. 

i'm a firm believer in the adage that if you feed a troll you have to keep it, so i avert my eyes and walk on by.

~sandi

And then, i just have to add this because maybe it is an honest mistake.  If you are new to the lifestyle and you don't know where to meet people or learn, then send me a civil message stating it and ask for the information you need. Most people in the lifestyle will respect you for it and it doesn't make you any less dominant. Everyone was new at one time.

As a submissive i am strong as fuck

As a submissive i am strong as fuck, don’t ever forget it.

Do i enjoy rough play? Absolutely.

Do i enjoy differing to my Dominant? You bet!

Does giving up control turn me on? More than you know.

Does rough play and pain arouse me? More than i would have thought possible.

Am i weak? No.

Am i less? Hell no.

Am i more breakable than any other woman on the planet? Not a chance.

i am as breakable as any other person on the planet, submissive or not. i am as needy. i have just as many insecurities, flaws, desires, fears, etc.

As a submissive in a consensual D/s relationship, i am strong as fuck. 

It’s my choice to be on my knees.

It’s my choice to bend, to bow, to submit, to kneel, to obey. mine. my choice is what keeps me there. my resolve. my willpower.

You may be spanking me, flogging me, tormenting, teasing or punishing me. But my safewords are mine. my consent is mine, i’m the one who decides to use them or withdraw my consent. 

Just to be clear. i’m a submissive and i’m strong as fuck.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here 

Masters and mastering

i was talking with a Dominant whom i am close to and in the course of the conversation it occurred to me that it’s not just a Master that i want as a submissive but to be mastered.

There are a lot of people new to the lifestyle or maybe even who have been involved in the lifestyle for a while who want to be a Master and who even claim the title without really considering what that is outside of being dominant.

And i think it’s fairly safe to say that for most submissives just any Master wont do. i don’t want a Master….i want my Master. 

And i don’t mean as a possessive pronoun but rather as someone who has mastered me. Mastered being used as a verb .

The verb, to master, is defined as to acquire complete knowledge or skill in (an accomplishment, technique, or art) with synonyms like learn, and grasp, and understand. So you master the art of woodcrafting or you are a master rigger. 

And for myself, that depth of understanding and knowledge, the skill and patience and persistence to become a master is a large part of the appeal in a Master.

The idea of giving up control to someone who has learned you, studied you, mastered you send shivers up my back. It’s that level of communication and agreement and trust that i want.

i’m not looking for Superman or super powers or super anything and i certainly don’t want perfection. But i do want someone who is going to invest as much in me as i invest in him. 

If i am going to call someone Master i expect them to be willing to master me.

~sandi

originally posed on my tumblr. here

BDSM, fiction, and Oz

People sometimes ask when i decided to be submissive, or when i knew i was submissive, and the thing is, i’ve always known. i didn’t always call it that, but it’s always been at the very essence of who i am.

So i get it. i understand why so many people heard about 50 Shades and read it and were moved or affected by it. i don’t understand how they got past the bad writing, but the topic, i know why that’s so appealing.

From the outside, BDSM is pretty horrific. 

Sure people bandy about words like consent, but from the outside, it looks like some crazy wack job is consenting for some other crazy wack job to do awful, horrible, unspeakable things to them. They just give up all their rights and endure and these sick people somehow get off on it. Sick people doing sick things to other sick people. 

Who’s going to do that? Crazies, that’s who. 

So it’s not a very accessible topic.

Masochism? Sadists? BDSM? No thank you.

i’ve known all my life that i’m a pleaser. i was recently called an empath by a friend. i feel for other people and honestly enjoy their enjoyment, their fun, their pleasure. It gives me pleasure to please others. There’s nothing sick or scary about that, but tack any kind of BDSM label like submissive on it and we've gotten into some rocky territory.

The understanding that consent can be given only to specific people in specific circumstances for specific things isn’t observed from the outside. And the idea that consent can be removed at any time for any reason…what?

The communication, the negotiation, the relationships all happen off stage.

Even the movie The Secretary, which i love, doesn't show any negotiation happening. The closest thing you see to it in the movie is when he tells her to stop cutting and the fact that she actively pursues him. i like to believe that those necessary conversations are happening off screen but that may just be me justifying my like of the movie.

And for myself, i saw The Secretary before i became involved in the lifestyle. And i was shocked and amazed that it was a tender love story that involved BDSM. They were still damaged people doing freaky things together, but they loved each other, and for me, it made BDSM just that much more accessible. That much more within my reach.   

From the outside, BDSM is very black and white.

So it shouldn't be a surprise that someone outside of the lifestyle who writes a novel about BDSM as they perceive it is going to get it wrong.

It also shouldn't be a surprise that a person who has denied the possibility of their submissive or Dominant nature is going to read a book like 50 Shades (assuming they get past the bad writing) and latch onto a “love story” where people indulge in what the reader perceives as BDSM and it somehow all works out in the end.

i think the main difference between The Secretary and 50 Shades of Grey is that The Secretary probably fairly accurately portrays how the uninformed stumble into the lifestyle and 50 Shades is beyond unbelievable in it’s plot and characters.

My main beef with 50 Shades of Grey (aside from the bad writing) has more to do with its readers, some of whom are my friends, who somehow think it is the new gospel of BDSM. And the reason i dislike the book so much is it’s widespread acceptance as being representative of BDSM.

There’s plenty of other BDSM fiction that gets it all wrong and nobody cares. 

The Sleeping Beauty novels make my panties wet and there isn't a moment of negotiation or communication or reality or consent anywhere in those books. They also don’t pretend to be anything other than a kinky fantasy fairy tale and no one mistakes them with anything to do with reality.

So if you came to the lifestyle because 50 Shades of Grey made it more accessible, good for you. We are all on our own journey and we can reach the same destination from many different paths. 

But please don’t think that you have to do something you don’t want to because you are submissive or Dominant. 

Please don’t think that once you have given your consent that you have given up the right to withdraw it. 

Please don’t think that as a submissive you don’t have the right to say no, or to express your concerns or talk about what you like, want or need from your partner to be happy.

Please don’t think that you have to be anything other than your full authentic self to fit into the lifestyle.

BDSM isn’t about shades of grey. It’s about a full color spectrum of people and activities and choices that make our world beautiful. Don’t limit yourself to Kansas when you could be playing in Oz.

-sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Humiliation Play

My first Master was high protocol and a humiliation Dom so i had many many rules from him, which i loved, one of which was that i was never allowed to meet his eyes without permission, and i always had to have my eyes cast down unless otherwise instructed by him.

The humiliation was very ritualized and within “the scene.” Outside of play sessions he was very supportive and endlessly patient. And we talked about everything. But our play always started with me disrobing and crawling to his feet and then “assuming my position” which morphed and changed over time.

We didn’t start with a whole list of rules, we started with one, and over time we added rules, usually when he introduced a new aspect to our play. i always had to be able to recite my rules at any point he requested them, and that was both inside and outside of play.

At the time i was pretty terrified of most things BDSM, because i came into the lifestyle with all of the misconceptions that i think a lot of submissive’s have.

That is, i thought i was going to have to do anything/everything my Dom wanted regardless of how i felt about it, but i also felt such a tremendous need to submit, such an overwhelming desire to serve and please.

i say it all the time, but i was so very lucky to have met the people i did when i started my journey.

We talked about everything and then things would crop up in our play. The same would go for our rules, we would add a new rule and then once the rule was in place i had to be uber vigilant to keep it because his attention to detail was phenomenal.

It wasn't only that i had to follow the rules, but he paid attention to them and if i slipped up he caught it immediately. Immediately. He didn't necessarily tell me which rule i had broken, but he would let me know that i had broken one. Which would have me frantically going over everything I had said and done, trying to identify the mistake while continuing to follow his direction within the scene.

That makes for very intense play. i had a very clear understanding of what was expected of me. And a hyper awareness of what i was doing and that i was the focus of all of his attention. It’s amazing being the focus of that kind of attention.

i’m a pleaser and so i was never bratty or naughty on purpose. My focus was on following our rules and pleasing him during play.

He also spent time on aftercare, reassuring and comforting me and making sure that i knew he was very happy with me and my performance, etc. We probably spent as much time talking about it afterward as we had spent on the buildup before hand and he always gave me plenty of time to adjust to a rule before he added a new one.

i never knew exactly what or when he was going to have me do things, but during a scene at some point i would realize that he was going to have me do some humiliating thing that we had talked about and agreed that i would do.

So we may have talked about it a day before, or a week before, or longer, but i never knew for sure if he would actually have me do them or when. But we would be playing and suddenly (for me at least) i would realize what was coming.

And then the turmoil would start. i had safewords. i knew that i didn't have to do it. i knew he wanted it.

And the question for me was would i.

i can say with complete honesty i never knew for sure if i would be able to give him what he wanted until the actual moment when i did.

There was always enough time for me to think about what was coming once the realization struck that it was going to happen, time for me to think about what i was going to do, time for me to wonder if i could.

And then i would do it.

There is such a feeling of triumph, such a rush of power, in that moment. In being able to give your partner something that you didn't know if you were able to give.In overcoming my inner turmoil, fear, disgust, revulsion, shame, i don’t have words to describe it, but i always felt radiant in my humiliation. And proud.

And for me, that is the difference between humiliation play and abuse.

The relationship made me stronger, made me feel empowered and all powerful while I groveled at his feet. 

So, there’s my experience with humiliation play. Do i think it can be harmful? yes. Do i think it has to be harmful? Absolutely not. Would i play with humiliation with just any Dom? Of course not.

Humiliation play is just like any other type of BDSM play. The potential for abuse is there, the potential for harm is greater than with vanilla play, and communication and trust are mandatory. But oh, it’s a heady experience, and i reveled in it.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Consent

i have coercion fantasies, i enjoy a certain amount of pain and roughness.

But here’s the thing, it has to be done in the right way, by the right person at the right time or else it just doesn’t do it for me. 

It has to be consensual, it has to be within my limits, and i have to know i am absolutely safe with the person i am playing with and that it can be stopped at any time by a single word.

W/we have to have talked about it, and talked about it a lot before it ever comes to a point where my consent is given, and just throwing that shit down because You think someone is into it and You think You know what they mean, and what they want without express consent, safe words and an understanding that it will happen is not only stupid, but it’s also very likely assault.

Don’t expect me to submit to you simply because i am submissive and You are Dominant. Don’t assume You know what i like, want or need just because i am submissive and You are Dominant. i may flirt with you, i may talk with you, i may like you. None of those are consent.

i may like pain, i may like roughness, i may like spankings or beatings, i may like to be held down and fucked hard. None of those are consent.

It doesn’t matter if You know what i like. It doesn’t matter if W/we’ve done it before. It doesn’t matter if You “know me better than i know myself." None of those are consent.

If Y/you don’t understand what consent is Y/you have no business playing in the big wide world of delicious fun that is BDSM.

i’m talking to You, and i’m talking to you.

If it’s not consensual, it’s not BDSM.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Why “True” isn’t the truth

When someone says they are a “true” Dom or a “true” sub it bothers me. There is an implication with the label that there is a right way and a wrong way to be Dominant or submissive. 

And please don’t think i’m saying that abuse can’t or doesn’t happen, but abuse isn’t a Dominant or submissive trait, it’s a condition of misuse, of non-consent. And abuse is part of why i take issue with the idea of “true.”

Saying you are a “true” Dominant, or a “true” submissive implies that the way you practice your kink is the right or correct or true way to do it, and kinks that don’t match yours are somehow less. Less valid, less important, less true.

And that’s bullshit.

That’s like saying a rose is a “true” flower and a lily, or iris, or daisy isn’t.

They are all flowers, they just happen to be different. And if i like daisies better than roses, and you like irises but don’t like lilies, it doesn’t make one of us more right or more correct or better than the other, or one of the flowers more “true,” it just means we like different things.

And the problem with “true” is it opens the door for abuse. Because there are people, both Dominant and submissive, who will tell you that they are true Doms or true subs and then put pressure on others to conform to their preferences.

A “true” Dom does this, a “true” sub does that.

The way i play is the way i like to play. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just what i prefer. The way i identify is the way i identify, it’s not right or wrong, it’s just the way i feel about myself and my preferences.

And other people don’t get to tell you how you feel. Other people don’t get to tell you what you prefer. 

I’m no less submissive because blood is a hard limit for me. You are no more Dominant because You like blood play. It doesn’t make me a better submissive because i like floggers, it doesn’t make You a better Dominant because You don’t. It just means we have different preferences and probably wouldn’t make good play partners. 

Limits are normal and acceptable and necessary. And Y/your limits are exactly that, Y/yours.

The submission of a pain slut is no better or worse than the submission of a kitten or a little or a slave. A Dominant who prefers sensual play to pain play or ropes, or who prefers a brat that he has to battle for control isn’t more or less dominant because of his preferences. They are just different ways of playing. One isn’t more “true” than the other.

Absolutely those differences are important when choosing a play partner. Absolutely Y/you need to talk about what Y/you want and need in a relationship. And if what Y/you want and need doesn’t match up with the Dom or sub Y/you are talking to, Y/you both need to know that before Y/you decide if Y/you should proceed with a D/s relationship or not. 

But preferences that don’t match up doesn’t make Y/you a better or worse submissive or Dominant, it just means Y/you like different things and might not make the best playmates.

So when someone touts about being a True Dominant or a true submissive, what that tells me is that they are trying to make themselves more and others less. They are no different than the conservative vanilla who says it’s the missionary position in a bedroom with the lights out, or it’s wrong. They are labeling their way of doing things as the only correct way. 

And that’s just not true. There’s nothing “true” about it.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

It Depends On Your Kink

i see posts all the time that start or end with something along the lines of “a submissive is” or “a Dom does” and i’ve even reblogged some of them myself, but i think they are exclusive phrases and stereotypes that may resonate with some of U/us but ultimately are not an accurate reflection of what, i hope, most of us are looking for when we become involved in the bdsm community.

Because when all is said and done, it depends on Y/your kink.

Statements like, a submissive needs more attention than other women isn't necessarily true. i know i have moments when i feel tremendously needy and in those moments that statement really resonates for me, but i have plenty of non-kink friends who have equally needy times and don’t have a submissive bone in their bodies and some submissive ones who are amazingly self contained.

Pretty much anything starting with “A true…” is going to be followed by something that isn't true. There is no such thing as a true Dom or true sub.

The only person who gets to decide what Y/your kink is, is Y/you.

i adore wax play. The anticipation, the heat, the splash, the burn…yum. It is no less a kinky activity than a person who is into needle play. A person who is into foot worship but isn't into pain is no less a kinky person than one who is into flogging. This person wants to be tied up, and that person doesn't, this one wants to dominate while that one wants to top, that’s completely fine.

One of the things i love about the kink community is, for the most part, it is based on inclusive principles. “Y/your kink isn’t my kink and that’s okay,” The point is to find someone who Y/you like and shares Y/your kink and wants to play.

W/we all have our fantasies and bdsm gives us a safe and consensual way to have those fantasies fulfilled. Just remember, not everyone fantasizes about the same things. 

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Joy Ride?

This is a rant, so…

Anyone who calls themselves a “Master” or “Mistress” or “Domme” or “Dom” has a certain responsibility to themselves, to the individuals who submit to them and to the community as a whole.

It’s like a driver in a car, once You put the key in the ignition and head out on the road it’s not just about You anymore. Yes it’s Your car, and maybe someone has agreed to go for a ride with You, but it’s bigger than that too. And if Your driving is putting others at risk, then WTF. No one likes an asshole.

Educate Yourself. Practice what You are doing, preferably with the guidance of an experienced driver. And don’t get Your panties in a bunch if other drivers wont let You compete in the Indy 500 five minutes after You take to the road.

Communicate and use safewords, Have Your passenger put on their safety belt and for goodness sake, put Yours on too. If something goes wrong, even if it’s through no fault of Your own, E/everyone’s got a better chance of coming out the other side intact if You practice basic safety precautions.

Be a safe driver, E/everyone will benefit from it. And if You want to drive at insanely fast speeds or put on an exhibition, there are venues for that, use them.

And for all you submissives out there, don’t go for a ride with a dangerous crazy just because they have a nice car. Don’t get in a car with a stranger. Just practice common sense. Please.

Submissives. 

Anyone who is willing to Dom you without talking about your specific wants and needs first, who hasn’t discussed limits and safewords is a bad choice for a play partner. Period. No qualifiers needed.

Dominants: 

For that matter, anyone who is willing to submit to You without talking about your specific wants and needs first and who hasn’t discussed limits and safewords.. .they’re a bad choice for a play partner too.

Who Y/you play with is a reflection on Y/you and how Y/you play is a reflection on the community as a whole. 

Drive safely.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Limits

This is a rant, so be forewarned.

People who say they don’t have limits make me angry. They are misrepresenting the lifestyle and being irresponsible. Here’s why.

Everyone has limits. Everyone.

It’s a really nice fantasy to be in a relationship where there is nothing you wont do for your partner, where there is nothing your partner wont do for you, but that is exactly what it is, a fantasy.

For the most part, W/we are in this for fantasy fulfillment. So it’s great if Y/you have found someone who has limits that match Y/yours and Y/you trust each other completely.

But for people new to the lifestyle, for the uneducated, for the confused, you are planting seeds and sowing…i don’t even know what you are sowing, but it’s messed up.

Would Y/you kill someone? Would Y/you abuse a child? Would Y/you? The answer better be a resounding no! What about kidnapping someone? Forcing someone to do something against their will? 

So yes, Y/you have limits. W/we all have limits. It’s good to have limits. Limits are important. W/we would all be psychopaths if W/we had no limits.

Y/your limits may not be my limits and that’s fine. Y/you just need to find a compatible playmate who accepts Y/your limits and enjoy each other.

And limits change over time. The more Y/you experience, the more Y/you enjoy, the more Y/you discover about Y/yourself changes what Y/you are willing to try and do.

W/we are lucky when W/we have play partners W/we trust enough to let them push our limits without crossing the line. Partners who help U/us learn and grow. W/we are lucky when W/we have developed a relationship in which W/we can let go and enjoy each other and the fantasy that there is absolutely nothing Y/you wouldn’t try or do for Y/your partner.

And honestly i think that is what people mean when they say they have no limits. They are saying they have complete trust in their partner.

But it is not responsible to the community to claim to have no limits.

Is it any wonder there are so many people new to the lifestyle who are abused or abusing others?

Is it any wonder W/we don’t have the same rights and privileges as the vanilla world?

Is it any wonder people lose their jobs when their involvement in the lifestyle is made known?

Is it any wonder the mainstream media and vanilla folks think W/we are all perverted crazies?

If W/we confuse fantasy with reality and represent ourselves that way, how can we blame others for doing the same?

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here 

Fantasy vs Reality

i’ve been thinking about writing this for some time, it’s just taken me this long to gather my thoughts on what i want to say.

And it should go without saying, but i’m going to say it anyway. The safety and well being of children is the responsibility of every adult on the planet. It doesn't matter if they are your children or someone else’s, children need and should be able to depend on the adults of the world to look out for their best interests. Children are not capable of giving informed consent.

Having said that, here goes….

A lot of what we do in the world of  BDSM is about fantasy fulfillment. The fantasy of having someone completely within Your power, of being completely within the power of someone else. The fantasy of removing choices, or having choices removed. 

Bondage. Rape. Torture. Domination. Submission.

There are lots of fantasies, and lots of ways to fulfill them.

But fantasy is exactly what it is, and it can never be confused with reality.

Take abduction fantasies as an example.

The fantasy of having someone bound and waiting on your pleasure, of being bound helpless at someone else’s mercy. If you are the “abductor” or the “abductee” in the scenario, it’s some pretty potent stuff.

And in the fantasy that’s how it works. The submissive is tied up, left in a room, the Dominant comes and goes as they please, uses them as they choose, complete power and control.

The reality is very different.

If a person were, indeed, tied to a bed, or anything else for that matter, and immobile for any length of time, you run the risk of bed sores.

That’s right, decubitus ulcers. They result from continued pressure to soft tissues that interrupts the blood supply when a person is unable to move to relieve the pressure. They’re pretty ugly, and can be difficult to heal. 

We run the risk of nerve damage if the bonds are too tight. If you experience pins and needles when the ropes are untied or the cuffs are removed, your nerves have been affected. For short periods of time it’s probably not serious or permanent, but are you and your partner paying attention?

We run the risk of emotional trauma if either one of you buy into the fantasy too deeply or trigger something from the past. Have Y/you discussed your histories? Y/your triggers?

We run all kinds of risks.

That’s why, as responsible players, we don’t ever tie someone up and walk away. Ever.

If the fantasy requires the illusion of abandonment, then certainly the “abductor” may move out of site of the “abducted” but they stay within hearing of their “victim” and are prepared to intervene quickly if the need arises.

As responsible players, we have to look out for the well being of our play partners, if for no other reason, so we can continue to play with them.

As responsible players, we play with tools on hand to quickly remove ropes and other bondage items if the need arises.

As responsible players, we educate ourselves so we don’t damage or injure our partners, either physically or emotionally.

As responsible players, we let our partners know if something doesn't feel right or is becoming too much for us.

As responsible players we play in the fantasy without confusing it with reality.

Are you leaving toys in too long? Are those bonds too tight? Are you striking them in a safe place/way? Are the toys you are playing with clean? Has everyone involved consented to the actions taking place?

All parties involved are responsible for the reality check. Not just the Dominant, not just the submissive. If Y/you are participating in fantasy play, Y/you are responsible for Y/your own safety and the safety of your play partner(s).

If you are the submissive, the bottom, the slave, you aren't doing your partner or yourself any favors by keeping quiet about things that aren't going well. If you are at risk and you don’t clue them in to the situation, to your distress and they don’t pick up on it, both of you will have to deal with the consequences.

If you are the Dominant, the Top, the Master, you aren't doing your partner or yourself any favors if you don’t check in on their well being, if you don’t pay attention to their physical and emotional health. And you will both have to deal with the consequences if things take a turn for the worse.

It’s the irresponsible players who mess things up for the rest of us. It’s the ones who confuse fantasy with reality and muck up the works, who give BDSM a bad name, who get laws passed and take away our fun.

So be responsible. Enjoy the fantasy, but live in reality.  

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Let me clarify…

It is not a good thing to accidentally do anything that causes injury during lifestyle play.

It is completely irresponsible and unsafe to play with someone, even yourself, who is being incautious enough to accidentally cause harm. Many types of play in the lifestyle are dangerous. And by dangerous i mean an activity that can cause youserious bodily harm or death. 

It isn’t safe for a sub, and it isn’t safe for a Dom to be playing without taking care and precautions to prevent that from happening.

As a sub, you could end up with permanent injuries, nerve damage, paralysis or death. As a Dom You could end up in a lawsuit, behind bars, or depending on the laws where you reside, facing the death penalty.

No one wants that.

If you are participating in play where the intention is to cause controlled injuries to the body, and by that i mean bruising, bleeding, burning, scarring, Y/you damn well better be doing it in a responsible, controlled, planned way.

Know anatomy and know where You are striking Your sub/bottom. If You are striking them repeatedly or with force over bony protuberances on the body, You may bruise or break the bone. If You strike them repeatedly or with force over their kidneys You may bruise or scar their kidneys.

There are numerous publications and websites that have charts showing safe and unsafe area’s to strike a person. Study them.

With Your hand, a whip, a paddle, a crop, a flogger, a cane, anything You are using to strike them, know Your instruments, know Your art, know where to strike and where not to strike, and the amount of force it is safe to use.

Always have sharp scissors, preferably bandage scissors, handy when You are tying someone up. It only takes a few minutes for lack of blood supply/oxygen to cause necrosis of tissues and nerve damage.

If it took You 20 minutes to tie them up and it’s going to take You 10 minutes to untie them, You better have a backup plan for when things go wrong, and with rope play Your best backup is a pair of bandage scissors and depending on the rigging a spotter to help if/when things go wrong.

There are so many potentially dangerous forms of play, that’s why trust, knowledge, knowing Y/your play partner, education, negotiation and control are so important.

Part of being a good Dom or sub is playing responsibly.

Yes, accidents may happen, but if Y/you play responsibly Y/you minimize the risk. If it was something that could have easily been prevented, then maybe Y/you shouldn't be playing with that person or in that way.

So yes, i accidentally burned myself with my wand, and yes i was being stupid. It’s not something i'm bragging about or proud of, it’s something stupid that i shouldn't have let happen.

It is no good to play with someone who gets so caught up in the play that they lose sight of safety, even if that someone is yourself.

Be smart, play responsibly. When Y/you don’t and something serious happens, W/we all suffer the consequences. :(

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

There is a Difference…

There is a difference between dominance and aggression.

The dictionary defines aggression as:

1. Hostile or violent behavior or attitudes toward another; readiness to attack or confront. 
2. The action of attacking without provocation, esp. in beginning a quarrel or war. 
3. The action of a state in violating by force the rights of another state.
4. Any offensive action, attack, or procedure; an inroad or encroachment: an aggression upon one’s rights. 
5. Psychiatry. overt or suppressed hostility, either innate or resulting from continued frustration and directed outward or against oneself.

Being a Dom isn't about being aggressive. Being dominant is about being in control, it’s about power and power exchange, command and consent. They may be sadists who practice their arts on masochists, but then again they may not, it depends on the kinks of those involved.

There is a difference between rough sex and abuse. Know who you are playing with, know why you are playing that way. Don’t confuse reality with fantasy. And don’t confuse dominance with aggression.

There is a difference.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Control and Being In Control

Control is a big deal in BDSM/Lifestyle play. As a submissive, i am willingly giving my Dominant control over me. i want Him to take charge, to be in control. i consent and give Him that power over me, and in that giving i am trusting Him with my person, my psyche, my emotions, my well-being. Trust isn't just desired, it's mandatory.

It’s not just control over me that i need from Him though. Even more, i need Him to be in control of Himself. The activities and play of the lifestyle are intense. The activities and play are dangerous. As players W/we want that intensity, W/we flirt with that danger. We get high from dancing on the edge. But always, always W/we need someone to be in control, to keep U/us from falling over the edge into the abyss, to keep U/us from harm. And that control belongs to the Dominant, and it isn’t control of the sub, but control of self.

It is understood in the lifestyle that the submissive is in control, and certainly, if the Dom has self control, that is true. But that is the danger and the risk we as submissives take when we consent to play. The risk that the Dom, the person in control, will be able to control themselves.

Control is a big deal in BDSM/Lifestyle play.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here