How can i put this...

i get approached on tumblr. fairly often via asks and if i don't ignore it because it's completely inappropriate you probably have received a response.

i suppose it shouldn't surprise me, but somehow it always does when the unknown and unmet person on the other side of the ask assumes:

1. i'm a slave
2. i am "unowned" and seeking some foulmouthed asshole to step in and take control of me, or alternately, that
3. i am "owned" and must seek permission from my "owner" to speak with them

The number of assumptions involved boggles my mind.

i identify as a submissive.

There is nothing wrong with identifying as a slave, i just don't happen to.

If you're approaching me on my tumblr. i would hope you at least looked around a little bit before hitting the ask button, but even if you haven't it says i'm a submissive right below the enthralling pic of my left breast that seems to have prompted the ask... (sorry, i know sarcasm doesn't translate well to the written word, but i can't seem to help myself.)

In any case, let's assume for the sake of argument that i do identify as a slave. i still haven't met you or negotiated anything with you or agreed to be your slave.

Still my inbox gets filled by all kinds of idiocy.

i certainly haven't agreed to be your slut or your whore or your dirty little anything and yet that is frequently the opening gambit. No, i wont bow down before you. No, i wont grovel for you. And No, i certainly wont suck your cock.

On-line anonymity aside, how anyone thinks they can approach a stranger whom they know nothing about and start throwing that shit down blows me away.

Again, i have nothing against being a slut, whore or dirty anything for a person with whom i have negotiated and made agreements. In fact i quite enjoy it. But not from some "Dom" who clearly knows nothing of the lifestyle.

Seriously, you're outing yourself with that behavior. 

And finally, if i did identify as a slave and have an owner with whom i have given control and permission is required prior to my speaking with someone other than them or approved friends, why would i respond?

If my agreements preclude me corresponding and/or speaking with others not approved by my owner, and i were to respond to your message i would be breaking the very agreement that you assume is in place.

i suppose i could be prompted by your rude assumptions to rush off and ask my owner to allow me to speak with you prior to responding, but that seems a little far fetched. Most Dom's i know are as irritated and annoyed by your behavior as i am.

So, hmmm, let me think about this for a minute....no, No, NO. 

i'm a firm believer in the adage that if you feed a troll you have to keep it, so i avert my eyes and walk on by.

~sandi

And then, i just have to add this because maybe it is an honest mistake.  If you are new to the lifestyle and you don't know where to meet people or learn, then send me a civil message stating it and ask for the information you need. Most people in the lifestyle will respect you for it and it doesn't make you any less dominant. Everyone was new at one time.

Subspace

There seems to be a lot of interest in subspace, and i see some people holding it up as sort of a "gold standard" they use to judge Dominants and submissives and scenes with, and quite honestly that's bullshit.

Subspace is just a place you sometimes end up in your head and it's different for everyone. It's also not exclusive to submissives, Dominants experience it too.

For myself, i don't recognize i'm in subspace until after the fact and probably wouldn't have labeled it as such if i hadn't dropped so hard after my first experience with it. And even then it was several days before i could actually process it and articulate it.

For me, subspace is everything feeling right and wanting more.

It's like that perfect date we all dream of where everyone says the "right" thing and does the "right" thing. Where everyone is witty and clever and the food is perfectly flavored and there is the exact perfect amount. Where you think of and say the perfect response to whatever your date says, and they say the perfect thing back.

Only it's a scene and the things being done and said involve pain and humiliation.

For me, it's feeling no hesitation and no trepidation even when you're skirting along the edges of your limits. Everything feels good and tastes good and you're all powerful and the world is beautiful and you can move mountains with your bliss.

In short, it's a really good endorphin high. Your system is flooded with adrenaline and all kinds of other feel good hormones and you feel alive. Alive alive.

Does it happen every time? nope. Does that mean other scenes aren't good scenes and other fun isn't good fun? nope. It just means that this one particular scene ended up there.

And the thing is, it wouldn't be as amazing when it does happen if it happened that way every single time. Plus it would be exhausting. Like take a week or more to recover at least, exhausting.

And everything can't be perfect all the time. And everyone can't be perfect all the time.

And sometimes less is more. And i can't stress that enough. Sometimes less is more.

If you go into every scene expecting perfection i don't see how you can avoid being disappointed. Scenes are about having fun not about being perfect.

And honestly, when it happens for me, i never know it's happening while it's happening. i'm just having a really good time.

And then also there's drop to contend with. The first time i experienced that i wasn't expecting it at all. And now, even knowing what drop feels like, knowing what to expect, it still really sucks. i can't stress this enough. i don't like drop at all.

But if you have this idea in your head that to be a good submissive or to be a good Dominant or to have a good scene that subspace has to be achieved you're missing out on a lot of fun.

A lot, a lot of fun.

~sandi

ps. agree with me? disagree with me? leave a comment please. :)

When i kneel...

i am not less because i choose to kneel. 

You are not more because You choose to stand over me.

The choice isn't to put someone else's needs above your own.

The choice isn't to give up our rights.

The choice isn't to give up our minds.

The choice is to fulfill our needs. 

The choice is to mutually do and give and experience things together that enrich U/us both.

The choice is for actions and experiences that require the other to be possible.

The choice cannot be made alone. 

A submissive can kneel before many people without it being submission. 

A Dominant can stand over many people without it being domination.

It's give and take. 

It's mutual. 

It's supportive. 

It's equal.

The choice is to trust.

The choice is to become.

The choice is empowering for both sides.

When i kneel i am not choosing to be less.

When i kneel i am choosing to be more.

~sandi

The Bra - A tutorial

i had a bit of fun earlier this year making a spiked bra and it's been an incredibly popular post on my tumblr.

So...for those of Y/you who would like to make one of your own, here are the instructions.

Materials

• A bra of appropriate size
• Metal spikes, i got mine here
• A nail
• Hex screw driver

Here's what i did, and what i would do differently if i ever make a second one.

To put the spikes in you just have to push a hole through the material first, which i did with a nail that was close in size to the shaft of the spike. The spikes screw together, so push the spike shaft through the hole and tighten the back with the driver. Easy peasey. :)

For this bra i started in the center of each cup and put in four holes surrounding the nipple area, and then worked out from there trying to stagger the placement of the spikes. It turned out well enough, but if i were to do it again i would start at the edge and work my way across the cup of the bra. The reason being it got a little uneven and difficult to gage placement and ultimately i wanted the entire cup filled anyway. It doesn't keep it from being a delicious toy to play with, but i would like it better if the spacing had been consistent throughout and i just couldn't achieve it the way i started.

Wearing it is incredible fun. When it's first on it's a little uncomfortable but not incredibly so. If you spend your time with a sadist they seem to take great pleasure in squeezing, pressing, pushing etc. which can go from pretty mild to pretty intense. Even without the assistance of a sadist after a while the spikes start to ache a little and the pain increases the longer it is worn.

Something i wasn't expecting is when your breast is squeezed inside the bra, because it's a supple fabric the ends of the spikes move together and apart which pinches and is particularly ouchy. Especially when it gets just a little bit of skin between the tips of the spikes.

And all pain aside, just having it on, the weight and the pressure of it makes one incredibly aware of their breasts.

That's it, it's incredibly simple but somehow people seem to be intimidated by the idea. Don't be, it was amazingly easy and inexpensive and only took and hour or so to make. And it's great fun.

If Y/you have any questions let me know in the comments. i would love to see Y/your projects if you try it or something similar.

~sandi

As a submissive i am strong as fuck

As a submissive i am strong as fuck, don’t ever forget it.

Do i enjoy rough play? Absolutely.

Do i enjoy differing to my Dominant? You bet!

Does giving up control turn me on? More than you know.

Does rough play and pain arouse me? More than i would have thought possible.

Am i weak? No.

Am i less? Hell no.

Am i more breakable than any other woman on the planet? Not a chance.

i am as breakable as any other person on the planet, submissive or not. i am as needy. i have just as many insecurities, flaws, desires, fears, etc.

As a submissive in a consensual D/s relationship, i am strong as fuck. 

It’s my choice to be on my knees.

It’s my choice to bend, to bow, to submit, to kneel, to obey. mine. my choice is what keeps me there. my resolve. my willpower.

You may be spanking me, flogging me, tormenting, teasing or punishing me. But my safewords are mine. my consent is mine, i’m the one who decides to use them or withdraw my consent. 

Just to be clear. i’m a submissive and i’m strong as fuck.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here 

Masters and mastering

i was talking with a Dominant whom i am close to and in the course of the conversation it occurred to me that it’s not just a Master that i want as a submissive but to be mastered.

There are a lot of people new to the lifestyle or maybe even who have been involved in the lifestyle for a while who want to be a Master and who even claim the title without really considering what that is outside of being dominant.

And i think it’s fairly safe to say that for most submissives just any Master wont do. i don’t want a Master….i want my Master. 

And i don’t mean as a possessive pronoun but rather as someone who has mastered me. Mastered being used as a verb .

The verb, to master, is defined as to acquire complete knowledge or skill in (an accomplishment, technique, or art) with synonyms like learn, and grasp, and understand. So you master the art of woodcrafting or you are a master rigger. 

And for myself, that depth of understanding and knowledge, the skill and patience and persistence to become a master is a large part of the appeal in a Master.

The idea of giving up control to someone who has learned you, studied you, mastered you send shivers up my back. It’s that level of communication and agreement and trust that i want.

i’m not looking for Superman or super powers or super anything and i certainly don’t want perfection. But i do want someone who is going to invest as much in me as i invest in him. 

If i am going to call someone Master i expect them to be willing to master me.

~sandi

originally posed on my tumblr. here

BDSM, fiction, and Oz

People sometimes ask when i decided to be submissive, or when i knew i was submissive, and the thing is, i’ve always known. i didn’t always call it that, but it’s always been at the very essence of who i am.

So i get it. i understand why so many people heard about 50 Shades and read it and were moved or affected by it. i don’t understand how they got past the bad writing, but the topic, i know why that’s so appealing.

From the outside, BDSM is pretty horrific. 

Sure people bandy about words like consent, but from the outside, it looks like some crazy wack job is consenting for some other crazy wack job to do awful, horrible, unspeakable things to them. They just give up all their rights and endure and these sick people somehow get off on it. Sick people doing sick things to other sick people. 

Who’s going to do that? Crazies, that’s who. 

So it’s not a very accessible topic.

Masochism? Sadists? BDSM? No thank you.

i’ve known all my life that i’m a pleaser. i was recently called an empath by a friend. i feel for other people and honestly enjoy their enjoyment, their fun, their pleasure. It gives me pleasure to please others. There’s nothing sick or scary about that, but tack any kind of BDSM label like submissive on it and we've gotten into some rocky territory.

The understanding that consent can be given only to specific people in specific circumstances for specific things isn’t observed from the outside. And the idea that consent can be removed at any time for any reason…what?

The communication, the negotiation, the relationships all happen off stage.

Even the movie The Secretary, which i love, doesn't show any negotiation happening. The closest thing you see to it in the movie is when he tells her to stop cutting and the fact that she actively pursues him. i like to believe that those necessary conversations are happening off screen but that may just be me justifying my like of the movie.

And for myself, i saw The Secretary before i became involved in the lifestyle. And i was shocked and amazed that it was a tender love story that involved BDSM. They were still damaged people doing freaky things together, but they loved each other, and for me, it made BDSM just that much more accessible. That much more within my reach.   

From the outside, BDSM is very black and white.

So it shouldn't be a surprise that someone outside of the lifestyle who writes a novel about BDSM as they perceive it is going to get it wrong.

It also shouldn't be a surprise that a person who has denied the possibility of their submissive or Dominant nature is going to read a book like 50 Shades (assuming they get past the bad writing) and latch onto a “love story” where people indulge in what the reader perceives as BDSM and it somehow all works out in the end.

i think the main difference between The Secretary and 50 Shades of Grey is that The Secretary probably fairly accurately portrays how the uninformed stumble into the lifestyle and 50 Shades is beyond unbelievable in it’s plot and characters.

My main beef with 50 Shades of Grey (aside from the bad writing) has more to do with its readers, some of whom are my friends, who somehow think it is the new gospel of BDSM. And the reason i dislike the book so much is it’s widespread acceptance as being representative of BDSM.

There’s plenty of other BDSM fiction that gets it all wrong and nobody cares. 

The Sleeping Beauty novels make my panties wet and there isn't a moment of negotiation or communication or reality or consent anywhere in those books. They also don’t pretend to be anything other than a kinky fantasy fairy tale and no one mistakes them with anything to do with reality.

So if you came to the lifestyle because 50 Shades of Grey made it more accessible, good for you. We are all on our own journey and we can reach the same destination from many different paths. 

But please don’t think that you have to do something you don’t want to because you are submissive or Dominant. 

Please don’t think that once you have given your consent that you have given up the right to withdraw it. 

Please don’t think that as a submissive you don’t have the right to say no, or to express your concerns or talk about what you like, want or need from your partner to be happy.

Please don’t think that you have to be anything other than your full authentic self to fit into the lifestyle.

BDSM isn’t about shades of grey. It’s about a full color spectrum of people and activities and choices that make our world beautiful. Don’t limit yourself to Kansas when you could be playing in Oz.

-sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Humiliation Play

My first Master was high protocol and a humiliation Dom so i had many many rules from him, which i loved, one of which was that i was never allowed to meet his eyes without permission, and i always had to have my eyes cast down unless otherwise instructed by him.

The humiliation was very ritualized and within “the scene.” Outside of play sessions he was very supportive and endlessly patient. And we talked about everything. But our play always started with me disrobing and crawling to his feet and then “assuming my position” which morphed and changed over time.

We didn’t start with a whole list of rules, we started with one, and over time we added rules, usually when he introduced a new aspect to our play. i always had to be able to recite my rules at any point he requested them, and that was both inside and outside of play.

At the time i was pretty terrified of most things BDSM, because i came into the lifestyle with all of the misconceptions that i think a lot of submissive’s have.

That is, i thought i was going to have to do anything/everything my Dom wanted regardless of how i felt about it, but i also felt such a tremendous need to submit, such an overwhelming desire to serve and please.

i say it all the time, but i was so very lucky to have met the people i did when i started my journey.

We talked about everything and then things would crop up in our play. The same would go for our rules, we would add a new rule and then once the rule was in place i had to be uber vigilant to keep it because his attention to detail was phenomenal.

It wasn't only that i had to follow the rules, but he paid attention to them and if i slipped up he caught it immediately. Immediately. He didn't necessarily tell me which rule i had broken, but he would let me know that i had broken one. Which would have me frantically going over everything I had said and done, trying to identify the mistake while continuing to follow his direction within the scene.

That makes for very intense play. i had a very clear understanding of what was expected of me. And a hyper awareness of what i was doing and that i was the focus of all of his attention. It’s amazing being the focus of that kind of attention.

i’m a pleaser and so i was never bratty or naughty on purpose. My focus was on following our rules and pleasing him during play.

He also spent time on aftercare, reassuring and comforting me and making sure that i knew he was very happy with me and my performance, etc. We probably spent as much time talking about it afterward as we had spent on the buildup before hand and he always gave me plenty of time to adjust to a rule before he added a new one.

i never knew exactly what or when he was going to have me do things, but during a scene at some point i would realize that he was going to have me do some humiliating thing that we had talked about and agreed that i would do.

So we may have talked about it a day before, or a week before, or longer, but i never knew for sure if he would actually have me do them or when. But we would be playing and suddenly (for me at least) i would realize what was coming.

And then the turmoil would start. i had safewords. i knew that i didn't have to do it. i knew he wanted it.

And the question for me was would i.

i can say with complete honesty i never knew for sure if i would be able to give him what he wanted until the actual moment when i did.

There was always enough time for me to think about what was coming once the realization struck that it was going to happen, time for me to think about what i was going to do, time for me to wonder if i could.

And then i would do it.

There is such a feeling of triumph, such a rush of power, in that moment. In being able to give your partner something that you didn't know if you were able to give.In overcoming my inner turmoil, fear, disgust, revulsion, shame, i don’t have words to describe it, but i always felt radiant in my humiliation. And proud.

And for me, that is the difference between humiliation play and abuse.

The relationship made me stronger, made me feel empowered and all powerful while I groveled at his feet. 

So, there’s my experience with humiliation play. Do i think it can be harmful? yes. Do i think it has to be harmful? Absolutely not. Would i play with humiliation with just any Dom? Of course not.

Humiliation play is just like any other type of BDSM play. The potential for abuse is there, the potential for harm is greater than with vanilla play, and communication and trust are mandatory. But oh, it’s a heady experience, and i reveled in it.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Consent

i have coercion fantasies, i enjoy a certain amount of pain and roughness.

But here’s the thing, it has to be done in the right way, by the right person at the right time or else it just doesn’t do it for me. 

It has to be consensual, it has to be within my limits, and i have to know i am absolutely safe with the person i am playing with and that it can be stopped at any time by a single word.

W/we have to have talked about it, and talked about it a lot before it ever comes to a point where my consent is given, and just throwing that shit down because You think someone is into it and You think You know what they mean, and what they want without express consent, safe words and an understanding that it will happen is not only stupid, but it’s also very likely assault.

Don’t expect me to submit to you simply because i am submissive and You are Dominant. Don’t assume You know what i like, want or need just because i am submissive and You are Dominant. i may flirt with you, i may talk with you, i may like you. None of those are consent.

i may like pain, i may like roughness, i may like spankings or beatings, i may like to be held down and fucked hard. None of those are consent.

It doesn’t matter if You know what i like. It doesn’t matter if W/we’ve done it before. It doesn’t matter if You “know me better than i know myself." None of those are consent.

If Y/you don’t understand what consent is Y/you have no business playing in the big wide world of delicious fun that is BDSM.

i’m talking to You, and i’m talking to you.

If it’s not consensual, it’s not BDSM.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Why “True” isn’t the truth

When someone says they are a “true” Dom or a “true” sub it bothers me. There is an implication with the label that there is a right way and a wrong way to be Dominant or submissive. 

And please don’t think i’m saying that abuse can’t or doesn’t happen, but abuse isn’t a Dominant or submissive trait, it’s a condition of misuse, of non-consent. And abuse is part of why i take issue with the idea of “true.”

Saying you are a “true” Dominant, or a “true” submissive implies that the way you practice your kink is the right or correct or true way to do it, and kinks that don’t match yours are somehow less. Less valid, less important, less true.

And that’s bullshit.

That’s like saying a rose is a “true” flower and a lily, or iris, or daisy isn’t.

They are all flowers, they just happen to be different. And if i like daisies better than roses, and you like irises but don’t like lilies, it doesn’t make one of us more right or more correct or better than the other, or one of the flowers more “true,” it just means we like different things.

And the problem with “true” is it opens the door for abuse. Because there are people, both Dominant and submissive, who will tell you that they are true Doms or true subs and then put pressure on others to conform to their preferences.

A “true” Dom does this, a “true” sub does that.

The way i play is the way i like to play. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just what i prefer. The way i identify is the way i identify, it’s not right or wrong, it’s just the way i feel about myself and my preferences.

And other people don’t get to tell you how you feel. Other people don’t get to tell you what you prefer. 

I’m no less submissive because blood is a hard limit for me. You are no more Dominant because You like blood play. It doesn’t make me a better submissive because i like floggers, it doesn’t make You a better Dominant because You don’t. It just means we have different preferences and probably wouldn’t make good play partners. 

Limits are normal and acceptable and necessary. And Y/your limits are exactly that, Y/yours.

The submission of a pain slut is no better or worse than the submission of a kitten or a little or a slave. A Dominant who prefers sensual play to pain play or ropes, or who prefers a brat that he has to battle for control isn’t more or less dominant because of his preferences. They are just different ways of playing. One isn’t more “true” than the other.

Absolutely those differences are important when choosing a play partner. Absolutely Y/you need to talk about what Y/you want and need in a relationship. And if what Y/you want and need doesn’t match up with the Dom or sub Y/you are talking to, Y/you both need to know that before Y/you decide if Y/you should proceed with a D/s relationship or not. 

But preferences that don’t match up doesn’t make Y/you a better or worse submissive or Dominant, it just means Y/you like different things and might not make the best playmates.

So when someone touts about being a True Dominant or a true submissive, what that tells me is that they are trying to make themselves more and others less. They are no different than the conservative vanilla who says it’s the missionary position in a bedroom with the lights out, or it’s wrong. They are labeling their way of doing things as the only correct way. 

And that’s just not true. There’s nothing “true” about it.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Polyamory

i was in a polyamorous relationship prior to my involvement in BDSM. Just prior in fact. It was the last psuedo-vanilla relationship i was in before my interest in the lifestyle. And i call it psuedo-vanilla because while we were a threesome MFF triad and we certainly got up to some shenanigans, it was kinky without being BDSM. Although looking back at it, i was very submissive to both of them, i just didn’t call it that.

So i’m going to speak to my experiences. i’ve never been in a poly that allowed for multiple partners without some commitment between all of them, but i can say i don’t plan to be in another poly situation.

They were a couple and i was their third, yes the fabled unicorn, and we had a lot of fun but we had a lot of issues at the same time.

my opinion on poly is this: each person added to a relationship increases the difficulty.

i had my relationship with him, and my relationship with her, that’s two relationships i had to nurture. She had her relationship with me and her relationship with him, that’s two relationships for her to nurture. He had his relationship with her and his relationship with me, that’s still two more relationships that need care and attention within the dynamic.

i count them all as six separate relationships because i wasn't taking care of herrelationship with me, i was taking care of my relationship with her, if that makes sense.

When you are in a poly relationship, you have to be okay with being ignored sometimes. It is normal and natural for the attention to shift between those involved. Sometimes the focus is between you and one or both of the others, and sometimes the focus is on one of them or between them. 

So sometimes the focus is shifting equally between the three of you.

And sometimes you are the focus of two peoples attentions which can be amazing and intense. And sometimes two of you are focused on the other giving them the amazing and intense experience.

But sometimes it is only between you and one of the others, while the other is off to the side and left out, and sometimes you are off to the side and left out while they are focused on each other. 

If a person isn’t %100 okay with sharing and being left out sometimes, there will be problems.

And if someone had to be talked into it or isn’t completely confident and certain of their place in the relationship there will be insecurities. In fact scratch that, and let me just say, there are insecurities. 

It’s hard to be left out when two people you are intensely passionate about are lost in their own world.

It’s hard when you realize you have possibly hurt someone you care about by leaving them out.

It’s hard when the focus is on you and you feel selfish for “hogging." 

It’s hard when the focus is off you and you feel left out and ignored.

It’s just hard.

It takes a tremendous amount of self confidence and confidence in your partners to maintain a poly relationship. It isn’t for everyone. After the fact, i can say it isn’t for me.

When they work, they are amazing and beautiful and fun and a whole lot of things, but it doesn’t take much to make them not work.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

It Depends On Your Kink

i see posts all the time that start or end with something along the lines of “a submissive is” or “a Dom does” and i’ve even reblogged some of them myself, but i think they are exclusive phrases and stereotypes that may resonate with some of U/us but ultimately are not an accurate reflection of what, i hope, most of us are looking for when we become involved in the bdsm community.

Because when all is said and done, it depends on Y/your kink.

Statements like, a submissive needs more attention than other women isn't necessarily true. i know i have moments when i feel tremendously needy and in those moments that statement really resonates for me, but i have plenty of non-kink friends who have equally needy times and don’t have a submissive bone in their bodies and some submissive ones who are amazingly self contained.

Pretty much anything starting with “A true…” is going to be followed by something that isn't true. There is no such thing as a true Dom or true sub.

The only person who gets to decide what Y/your kink is, is Y/you.

i adore wax play. The anticipation, the heat, the splash, the burn…yum. It is no less a kinky activity than a person who is into needle play. A person who is into foot worship but isn't into pain is no less a kinky person than one who is into flogging. This person wants to be tied up, and that person doesn't, this one wants to dominate while that one wants to top, that’s completely fine.

One of the things i love about the kink community is, for the most part, it is based on inclusive principles. “Y/your kink isn’t my kink and that’s okay,” The point is to find someone who Y/you like and shares Y/your kink and wants to play.

W/we all have our fantasies and bdsm gives us a safe and consensual way to have those fantasies fulfilled. Just remember, not everyone fantasizes about the same things. 

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

submission vs bottoming

Several of Y/you have asked the difference between bottoming and submission and it’s a good question. :)

So here’s how i define and differentiate between them. i’m no expert, this is simply my understanding.   

Both bottoms and submissives are usually in the receiving role when it comes to BDSM, however, there is no D/s dynamic when bottoming. 

Submission is about pleasing and serving your Dominant, where as bottoming is being in the receiving role without the emotional investment toward the person in the giving role.

As an example, if you were to go to a tasting (an event with different stations set up where a person can try out or get a “taste” of different BDSM activities) and you decide to try a “taste” of flogging, a “gifter” there may flog you but you would most likely be bottoming for the flogger vs submitting to them. 

Or if you are a masochist who enjoys receiving pain, you may bottom for a sadist without ever submitting to them.

Submission includes the emotional desire to please the person in the “giving” role. It usually includes an ongoing relationship between the people involved with the submissive having agreed to accept the guidance and support of the Dominant and the Dominant having agreed to guiding and supporting the submissive.

The guidance and support may include exploring limits, it may include protocols and activities, it may include life choices. What it does and doesn't include depends on the needs and agreements of those involved. 

Bottoming can also include an ongoing relationship between the bottom and their Top, but it doesn't include the need to please, serve and be guided by the other.

Bottoming can almost be seen as a self-serving centric vs submission which could be seen as an other-serving centric, but that’s not completely accurate. The difference is subtle because in serving the other the submissive is also serving their own needs.

This answer only touches on the differences, but i hope it helps. What i’ve said here is kind of like saying the ocean is water…it is water, but that hardly explains it. :)

Ultimately Y/you are the only one who can define Y/yourself, who knows how Y/you identify and what that means to Y/you.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

How do Y/you identify?

Every person has their own idea of who they are and how they identify. Everyone has their own unique definition of what exactly that means to them.

For me, i identify as a submissive, and that may mean something different to me than it does to Y/you. i can bottom, and i can have fun doing it, but it’s not going to keep me happy for long.

For me, because i identify as a submissive, bottoming is cotton candy and popcorn. And there’s nothing wrong with cotton candy and popcorn, in fact they are super yummy when Y/you’re at the fair or circus. But if all i’m getting is cotton candy and popcorn, i’m going to go home hungry at the end of the day. 

For me, because i identify as a submissive, submission is so much more. It’s flaming steak kabobs served with wild rice and grilled vegetables while lounging by a tropical beach. It’s a hearty soup with homemade bread and a glass of wine on a cold winters night. It’s grilled cheese sandwiches and prime rib and any other food that fills me. It’s nourishing and sustaining and it satisfies me in a way that cotton candy and popcorn don’t.

That doesn't make bottoming wrong, only wrong for me.

If i identified as a bottom i imagine exactly the opposite would be true.

It’s important to know Y/yourself. It’s important to choose play partners and activities that fulfill Y/your needs. It’s important to speak up if those needs aren't being met. 

So communicate, communicate, communicate. If Y/you aren't talking about it how can Y/you know?

i identify as a submissive, and it helps define what works for me. 

The question Y/you need to answer is, how do Y/you identify?

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Joy Ride?

This is a rant, so…

Anyone who calls themselves a “Master” or “Mistress” or “Domme” or “Dom” has a certain responsibility to themselves, to the individuals who submit to them and to the community as a whole.

It’s like a driver in a car, once You put the key in the ignition and head out on the road it’s not just about You anymore. Yes it’s Your car, and maybe someone has agreed to go for a ride with You, but it’s bigger than that too. And if Your driving is putting others at risk, then WTF. No one likes an asshole.

Educate Yourself. Practice what You are doing, preferably with the guidance of an experienced driver. And don’t get Your panties in a bunch if other drivers wont let You compete in the Indy 500 five minutes after You take to the road.

Communicate and use safewords, Have Your passenger put on their safety belt and for goodness sake, put Yours on too. If something goes wrong, even if it’s through no fault of Your own, E/everyone’s got a better chance of coming out the other side intact if You practice basic safety precautions.

Be a safe driver, E/everyone will benefit from it. And if You want to drive at insanely fast speeds or put on an exhibition, there are venues for that, use them.

And for all you submissives out there, don’t go for a ride with a dangerous crazy just because they have a nice car. Don’t get in a car with a stranger. Just practice common sense. Please.

Submissives. 

Anyone who is willing to Dom you without talking about your specific wants and needs first, who hasn’t discussed limits and safewords is a bad choice for a play partner. Period. No qualifiers needed.

Dominants: 

For that matter, anyone who is willing to submit to You without talking about your specific wants and needs first and who hasn’t discussed limits and safewords.. .they’re a bad choice for a play partner too.

Who Y/you play with is a reflection on Y/you and how Y/you play is a reflection on the community as a whole. 

Drive safely.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

PSA on Crayons for Wax Play

i thought i would add a little info about what i did with the crayons for the sake of completeness.

I purchased silicone mini muffin cups for melting the crayons and melted the crayons in a water bath in the oven. The oven was set at 150 degrees and i checked them every 10 minutes.

After 40 minutes, some of the crayons were a nice liquid, some where still fairly solid or had solids still in them and one had barely begun to melt at all.I eliminated the ones with solids and the unmelted one from my optional colors on the theory that 150 was too hot for me, and not hot enough for those particular crayons. And while i do enjoy intense sensations i don’t enjoy burns. :)

I tested each of the colors on my skin for heat/temperature, first on the outside of my wrist, then on the inside. Then i started my fun. :)

The wax goes on hot, but it cools very quickly. And once cooled it was very hard and brittle. This had some unexpected yummy side effects in that any time i shifted or moved it pulled up from my skin, nice tugging sensations. Other waxes i’ve played with are much softer and more flexible once they've cooled and don’t pull at your skin in the same way.

I tried painting with them on my skin, but they cooled and hardened too quickly and there was not a lot of heat transferred. So i went almost immediately to picking up the cups and  drizzling the wax onto my skin. mmmm.

Love, love, love the rivulets of heat snaking over my skin. Love the way the colors were so vibrant and intense. Love the way they layered over each other without losing their brightness. 

It would have been especially nice, i think, to have the wax removed with a knife, but alas, i was experimenting alone. :(

And even more sad, about 10 minutes after the wax was removed, and before the pink had even begun to leave my skin, i had an allergic reaction to what i assume was something in one of the waxes.

i’m allergy prone, and have a few pretty serious ones, and i’m not willing to skirt the edges of my allergies as part of play. Some cetirizine and several puffs from an emergency inhaler set me right, but i don’t think i will be playing with crayons again. sigh.

So here’s the PSA part of things:

• If you have to heat it higher than about 150 degrees to melt it, be cautious putting it on your skin. Perhaps try dropping it from a greater height. You’ll get splashy spots that way vs. rivulets, but it will cool it some on it’s way down. Test it first!
• Test each color individually before you pour it on yourself or a playmate.Different ingredients have different melt points and pouring something hot and adhering onto the skin can cause serious burns.
• Be aware if the wax is pooling in any location, the heat is pooling there too and can increase to the point of causing burns.
•  Be aware when using something like crayons that you do not know all of the ingredients in the product and it may cause an allergic reaction.

That’s about it. This would have been amazing as part of a scene, but experimenting is fun too. i would absolutely play more with crayons if it weren't for the allergies, but anaphylaxis can ruin a good time, lol. :)

Play safe and have fun!

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Limits

This is a rant, so be forewarned.

People who say they don’t have limits make me angry. They are misrepresenting the lifestyle and being irresponsible. Here’s why.

Everyone has limits. Everyone.

It’s a really nice fantasy to be in a relationship where there is nothing you wont do for your partner, where there is nothing your partner wont do for you, but that is exactly what it is, a fantasy.

For the most part, W/we are in this for fantasy fulfillment. So it’s great if Y/you have found someone who has limits that match Y/yours and Y/you trust each other completely.

But for people new to the lifestyle, for the uneducated, for the confused, you are planting seeds and sowing…i don’t even know what you are sowing, but it’s messed up.

Would Y/you kill someone? Would Y/you abuse a child? Would Y/you? The answer better be a resounding no! What about kidnapping someone? Forcing someone to do something against their will? 

So yes, Y/you have limits. W/we all have limits. It’s good to have limits. Limits are important. W/we would all be psychopaths if W/we had no limits.

Y/your limits may not be my limits and that’s fine. Y/you just need to find a compatible playmate who accepts Y/your limits and enjoy each other.

And limits change over time. The more Y/you experience, the more Y/you enjoy, the more Y/you discover about Y/yourself changes what Y/you are willing to try and do.

W/we are lucky when W/we have play partners W/we trust enough to let them push our limits without crossing the line. Partners who help U/us learn and grow. W/we are lucky when W/we have developed a relationship in which W/we can let go and enjoy each other and the fantasy that there is absolutely nothing Y/you wouldn’t try or do for Y/your partner.

And honestly i think that is what people mean when they say they have no limits. They are saying they have complete trust in their partner.

But it is not responsible to the community to claim to have no limits.

Is it any wonder there are so many people new to the lifestyle who are abused or abusing others?

Is it any wonder W/we don’t have the same rights and privileges as the vanilla world?

Is it any wonder people lose their jobs when their involvement in the lifestyle is made known?

Is it any wonder the mainstream media and vanilla folks think W/we are all perverted crazies?

If W/we confuse fantasy with reality and represent ourselves that way, how can we blame others for doing the same?

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here