Polyamory

i was in a polyamorous relationship prior to my involvement in BDSM. Just prior in fact. It was the last psuedo-vanilla relationship i was in before my interest in the lifestyle. And i call it psuedo-vanilla because while we were a threesome MFF triad and we certainly got up to some shenanigans, it was kinky without being BDSM. Although looking back at it, i was very submissive to both of them, i just didn’t call it that.

So i’m going to speak to my experiences. i’ve never been in a poly that allowed for multiple partners without some commitment between all of them, but i can say i don’t plan to be in another poly situation.

They were a couple and i was their third, yes the fabled unicorn, and we had a lot of fun but we had a lot of issues at the same time.

my opinion on poly is this: each person added to a relationship increases the difficulty.

i had my relationship with him, and my relationship with her, that’s two relationships i had to nurture. She had her relationship with me and her relationship with him, that’s two relationships for her to nurture. He had his relationship with her and his relationship with me, that’s still two more relationships that need care and attention within the dynamic.

i count them all as six separate relationships because i wasn't taking care of herrelationship with me, i was taking care of my relationship with her, if that makes sense.

When you are in a poly relationship, you have to be okay with being ignored sometimes. It is normal and natural for the attention to shift between those involved. Sometimes the focus is between you and one or both of the others, and sometimes the focus is on one of them or between them. 

So sometimes the focus is shifting equally between the three of you.

And sometimes you are the focus of two peoples attentions which can be amazing and intense. And sometimes two of you are focused on the other giving them the amazing and intense experience.

But sometimes it is only between you and one of the others, while the other is off to the side and left out, and sometimes you are off to the side and left out while they are focused on each other. 

If a person isn’t %100 okay with sharing and being left out sometimes, there will be problems.

And if someone had to be talked into it or isn’t completely confident and certain of their place in the relationship there will be insecurities. In fact scratch that, and let me just say, there are insecurities. 

It’s hard to be left out when two people you are intensely passionate about are lost in their own world.

It’s hard when you realize you have possibly hurt someone you care about by leaving them out.

It’s hard when the focus is on you and you feel selfish for “hogging." 

It’s hard when the focus is off you and you feel left out and ignored.

It’s just hard.

It takes a tremendous amount of self confidence and confidence in your partners to maintain a poly relationship. It isn’t for everyone. After the fact, i can say it isn’t for me.

When they work, they are amazing and beautiful and fun and a whole lot of things, but it doesn’t take much to make them not work.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

It Depends On Your Kink

i see posts all the time that start or end with something along the lines of “a submissive is” or “a Dom does” and i’ve even reblogged some of them myself, but i think they are exclusive phrases and stereotypes that may resonate with some of U/us but ultimately are not an accurate reflection of what, i hope, most of us are looking for when we become involved in the bdsm community.

Because when all is said and done, it depends on Y/your kink.

Statements like, a submissive needs more attention than other women isn't necessarily true. i know i have moments when i feel tremendously needy and in those moments that statement really resonates for me, but i have plenty of non-kink friends who have equally needy times and don’t have a submissive bone in their bodies and some submissive ones who are amazingly self contained.

Pretty much anything starting with “A true…” is going to be followed by something that isn't true. There is no such thing as a true Dom or true sub.

The only person who gets to decide what Y/your kink is, is Y/you.

i adore wax play. The anticipation, the heat, the splash, the burn…yum. It is no less a kinky activity than a person who is into needle play. A person who is into foot worship but isn't into pain is no less a kinky person than one who is into flogging. This person wants to be tied up, and that person doesn't, this one wants to dominate while that one wants to top, that’s completely fine.

One of the things i love about the kink community is, for the most part, it is based on inclusive principles. “Y/your kink isn’t my kink and that’s okay,” The point is to find someone who Y/you like and shares Y/your kink and wants to play.

W/we all have our fantasies and bdsm gives us a safe and consensual way to have those fantasies fulfilled. Just remember, not everyone fantasizes about the same things. 

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

submission vs bottoming

Several of Y/you have asked the difference between bottoming and submission and it’s a good question. :)

So here’s how i define and differentiate between them. i’m no expert, this is simply my understanding.   

Both bottoms and submissives are usually in the receiving role when it comes to BDSM, however, there is no D/s dynamic when bottoming. 

Submission is about pleasing and serving your Dominant, where as bottoming is being in the receiving role without the emotional investment toward the person in the giving role.

As an example, if you were to go to a tasting (an event with different stations set up where a person can try out or get a “taste” of different BDSM activities) and you decide to try a “taste” of flogging, a “gifter” there may flog you but you would most likely be bottoming for the flogger vs submitting to them. 

Or if you are a masochist who enjoys receiving pain, you may bottom for a sadist without ever submitting to them.

Submission includes the emotional desire to please the person in the “giving” role. It usually includes an ongoing relationship between the people involved with the submissive having agreed to accept the guidance and support of the Dominant and the Dominant having agreed to guiding and supporting the submissive.

The guidance and support may include exploring limits, it may include protocols and activities, it may include life choices. What it does and doesn't include depends on the needs and agreements of those involved. 

Bottoming can also include an ongoing relationship between the bottom and their Top, but it doesn't include the need to please, serve and be guided by the other.

Bottoming can almost be seen as a self-serving centric vs submission which could be seen as an other-serving centric, but that’s not completely accurate. The difference is subtle because in serving the other the submissive is also serving their own needs.

This answer only touches on the differences, but i hope it helps. What i’ve said here is kind of like saying the ocean is water…it is water, but that hardly explains it. :)

Ultimately Y/you are the only one who can define Y/yourself, who knows how Y/you identify and what that means to Y/you.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

How do Y/you identify?

Every person has their own idea of who they are and how they identify. Everyone has their own unique definition of what exactly that means to them.

For me, i identify as a submissive, and that may mean something different to me than it does to Y/you. i can bottom, and i can have fun doing it, but it’s not going to keep me happy for long.

For me, because i identify as a submissive, bottoming is cotton candy and popcorn. And there’s nothing wrong with cotton candy and popcorn, in fact they are super yummy when Y/you’re at the fair or circus. But if all i’m getting is cotton candy and popcorn, i’m going to go home hungry at the end of the day. 

For me, because i identify as a submissive, submission is so much more. It’s flaming steak kabobs served with wild rice and grilled vegetables while lounging by a tropical beach. It’s a hearty soup with homemade bread and a glass of wine on a cold winters night. It’s grilled cheese sandwiches and prime rib and any other food that fills me. It’s nourishing and sustaining and it satisfies me in a way that cotton candy and popcorn don’t.

That doesn't make bottoming wrong, only wrong for me.

If i identified as a bottom i imagine exactly the opposite would be true.

It’s important to know Y/yourself. It’s important to choose play partners and activities that fulfill Y/your needs. It’s important to speak up if those needs aren't being met. 

So communicate, communicate, communicate. If Y/you aren't talking about it how can Y/you know?

i identify as a submissive, and it helps define what works for me. 

The question Y/you need to answer is, how do Y/you identify?

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Joy Ride?

This is a rant, so…

Anyone who calls themselves a “Master” or “Mistress” or “Domme” or “Dom” has a certain responsibility to themselves, to the individuals who submit to them and to the community as a whole.

It’s like a driver in a car, once You put the key in the ignition and head out on the road it’s not just about You anymore. Yes it’s Your car, and maybe someone has agreed to go for a ride with You, but it’s bigger than that too. And if Your driving is putting others at risk, then WTF. No one likes an asshole.

Educate Yourself. Practice what You are doing, preferably with the guidance of an experienced driver. And don’t get Your panties in a bunch if other drivers wont let You compete in the Indy 500 five minutes after You take to the road.

Communicate and use safewords, Have Your passenger put on their safety belt and for goodness sake, put Yours on too. If something goes wrong, even if it’s through no fault of Your own, E/everyone’s got a better chance of coming out the other side intact if You practice basic safety precautions.

Be a safe driver, E/everyone will benefit from it. And if You want to drive at insanely fast speeds or put on an exhibition, there are venues for that, use them.

And for all you submissives out there, don’t go for a ride with a dangerous crazy just because they have a nice car. Don’t get in a car with a stranger. Just practice common sense. Please.

Submissives. 

Anyone who is willing to Dom you without talking about your specific wants and needs first, who hasn’t discussed limits and safewords is a bad choice for a play partner. Period. No qualifiers needed.

Dominants: 

For that matter, anyone who is willing to submit to You without talking about your specific wants and needs first and who hasn’t discussed limits and safewords.. .they’re a bad choice for a play partner too.

Who Y/you play with is a reflection on Y/you and how Y/you play is a reflection on the community as a whole. 

Drive safely.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

PSA on Crayons for Wax Play

i thought i would add a little info about what i did with the crayons for the sake of completeness.

I purchased silicone mini muffin cups for melting the crayons and melted the crayons in a water bath in the oven. The oven was set at 150 degrees and i checked them every 10 minutes.

After 40 minutes, some of the crayons were a nice liquid, some where still fairly solid or had solids still in them and one had barely begun to melt at all.I eliminated the ones with solids and the unmelted one from my optional colors on the theory that 150 was too hot for me, and not hot enough for those particular crayons. And while i do enjoy intense sensations i don’t enjoy burns. :)

I tested each of the colors on my skin for heat/temperature, first on the outside of my wrist, then on the inside. Then i started my fun. :)

The wax goes on hot, but it cools very quickly. And once cooled it was very hard and brittle. This had some unexpected yummy side effects in that any time i shifted or moved it pulled up from my skin, nice tugging sensations. Other waxes i’ve played with are much softer and more flexible once they've cooled and don’t pull at your skin in the same way.

I tried painting with them on my skin, but they cooled and hardened too quickly and there was not a lot of heat transferred. So i went almost immediately to picking up the cups and  drizzling the wax onto my skin. mmmm.

Love, love, love the rivulets of heat snaking over my skin. Love the way the colors were so vibrant and intense. Love the way they layered over each other without losing their brightness. 

It would have been especially nice, i think, to have the wax removed with a knife, but alas, i was experimenting alone. :(

And even more sad, about 10 minutes after the wax was removed, and before the pink had even begun to leave my skin, i had an allergic reaction to what i assume was something in one of the waxes.

i’m allergy prone, and have a few pretty serious ones, and i’m not willing to skirt the edges of my allergies as part of play. Some cetirizine and several puffs from an emergency inhaler set me right, but i don’t think i will be playing with crayons again. sigh.

So here’s the PSA part of things:

• If you have to heat it higher than about 150 degrees to melt it, be cautious putting it on your skin. Perhaps try dropping it from a greater height. You’ll get splashy spots that way vs. rivulets, but it will cool it some on it’s way down. Test it first!
• Test each color individually before you pour it on yourself or a playmate.Different ingredients have different melt points and pouring something hot and adhering onto the skin can cause serious burns.
• Be aware if the wax is pooling in any location, the heat is pooling there too and can increase to the point of causing burns.
•  Be aware when using something like crayons that you do not know all of the ingredients in the product and it may cause an allergic reaction.

That’s about it. This would have been amazing as part of a scene, but experimenting is fun too. i would absolutely play more with crayons if it weren't for the allergies, but anaphylaxis can ruin a good time, lol. :)

Play safe and have fun!

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Limits

This is a rant, so be forewarned.

People who say they don’t have limits make me angry. They are misrepresenting the lifestyle and being irresponsible. Here’s why.

Everyone has limits. Everyone.

It’s a really nice fantasy to be in a relationship where there is nothing you wont do for your partner, where there is nothing your partner wont do for you, but that is exactly what it is, a fantasy.

For the most part, W/we are in this for fantasy fulfillment. So it’s great if Y/you have found someone who has limits that match Y/yours and Y/you trust each other completely.

But for people new to the lifestyle, for the uneducated, for the confused, you are planting seeds and sowing…i don’t even know what you are sowing, but it’s messed up.

Would Y/you kill someone? Would Y/you abuse a child? Would Y/you? The answer better be a resounding no! What about kidnapping someone? Forcing someone to do something against their will? 

So yes, Y/you have limits. W/we all have limits. It’s good to have limits. Limits are important. W/we would all be psychopaths if W/we had no limits.

Y/your limits may not be my limits and that’s fine. Y/you just need to find a compatible playmate who accepts Y/your limits and enjoy each other.

And limits change over time. The more Y/you experience, the more Y/you enjoy, the more Y/you discover about Y/yourself changes what Y/you are willing to try and do.

W/we are lucky when W/we have play partners W/we trust enough to let them push our limits without crossing the line. Partners who help U/us learn and grow. W/we are lucky when W/we have developed a relationship in which W/we can let go and enjoy each other and the fantasy that there is absolutely nothing Y/you wouldn’t try or do for Y/your partner.

And honestly i think that is what people mean when they say they have no limits. They are saying they have complete trust in their partner.

But it is not responsible to the community to claim to have no limits.

Is it any wonder there are so many people new to the lifestyle who are abused or abusing others?

Is it any wonder W/we don’t have the same rights and privileges as the vanilla world?

Is it any wonder people lose their jobs when their involvement in the lifestyle is made known?

Is it any wonder the mainstream media and vanilla folks think W/we are all perverted crazies?

If W/we confuse fantasy with reality and represent ourselves that way, how can we blame others for doing the same?

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here