Fantasy vs Reality

i’ve been thinking about writing this for some time, it’s just taken me this long to gather my thoughts on what i want to say.

And it should go without saying, but i’m going to say it anyway. The safety and well being of children is the responsibility of every adult on the planet. It doesn't matter if they are your children or someone else’s, children need and should be able to depend on the adults of the world to look out for their best interests. Children are not capable of giving informed consent.

Having said that, here goes….

A lot of what we do in the world of  BDSM is about fantasy fulfillment. The fantasy of having someone completely within Your power, of being completely within the power of someone else. The fantasy of removing choices, or having choices removed. 

Bondage. Rape. Torture. Domination. Submission.

There are lots of fantasies, and lots of ways to fulfill them.

But fantasy is exactly what it is, and it can never be confused with reality.

Take abduction fantasies as an example.

The fantasy of having someone bound and waiting on your pleasure, of being bound helpless at someone else’s mercy. If you are the “abductor” or the “abductee” in the scenario, it’s some pretty potent stuff.

And in the fantasy that’s how it works. The submissive is tied up, left in a room, the Dominant comes and goes as they please, uses them as they choose, complete power and control.

The reality is very different.

If a person were, indeed, tied to a bed, or anything else for that matter, and immobile for any length of time, you run the risk of bed sores.

That’s right, decubitus ulcers. They result from continued pressure to soft tissues that interrupts the blood supply when a person is unable to move to relieve the pressure. They’re pretty ugly, and can be difficult to heal. 

We run the risk of nerve damage if the bonds are too tight. If you experience pins and needles when the ropes are untied or the cuffs are removed, your nerves have been affected. For short periods of time it’s probably not serious or permanent, but are you and your partner paying attention?

We run the risk of emotional trauma if either one of you buy into the fantasy too deeply or trigger something from the past. Have Y/you discussed your histories? Y/your triggers?

We run all kinds of risks.

That’s why, as responsible players, we don’t ever tie someone up and walk away. Ever.

If the fantasy requires the illusion of abandonment, then certainly the “abductor” may move out of site of the “abducted” but they stay within hearing of their “victim” and are prepared to intervene quickly if the need arises.

As responsible players, we have to look out for the well being of our play partners, if for no other reason, so we can continue to play with them.

As responsible players, we play with tools on hand to quickly remove ropes and other bondage items if the need arises.

As responsible players, we educate ourselves so we don’t damage or injure our partners, either physically or emotionally.

As responsible players, we let our partners know if something doesn't feel right or is becoming too much for us.

As responsible players we play in the fantasy without confusing it with reality.

Are you leaving toys in too long? Are those bonds too tight? Are you striking them in a safe place/way? Are the toys you are playing with clean? Has everyone involved consented to the actions taking place?

All parties involved are responsible for the reality check. Not just the Dominant, not just the submissive. If Y/you are participating in fantasy play, Y/you are responsible for Y/your own safety and the safety of your play partner(s).

If you are the submissive, the bottom, the slave, you aren't doing your partner or yourself any favors by keeping quiet about things that aren't going well. If you are at risk and you don’t clue them in to the situation, to your distress and they don’t pick up on it, both of you will have to deal with the consequences.

If you are the Dominant, the Top, the Master, you aren't doing your partner or yourself any favors if you don’t check in on their well being, if you don’t pay attention to their physical and emotional health. And you will both have to deal with the consequences if things take a turn for the worse.

It’s the irresponsible players who mess things up for the rest of us. It’s the ones who confuse fantasy with reality and muck up the works, who give BDSM a bad name, who get laws passed and take away our fun.

So be responsible. Enjoy the fantasy, but live in reality.  

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Let me clarify…

It is not a good thing to accidentally do anything that causes injury during lifestyle play.

It is completely irresponsible and unsafe to play with someone, even yourself, who is being incautious enough to accidentally cause harm. Many types of play in the lifestyle are dangerous. And by dangerous i mean an activity that can cause youserious bodily harm or death. 

It isn’t safe for a sub, and it isn’t safe for a Dom to be playing without taking care and precautions to prevent that from happening.

As a sub, you could end up with permanent injuries, nerve damage, paralysis or death. As a Dom You could end up in a lawsuit, behind bars, or depending on the laws where you reside, facing the death penalty.

No one wants that.

If you are participating in play where the intention is to cause controlled injuries to the body, and by that i mean bruising, bleeding, burning, scarring, Y/you damn well better be doing it in a responsible, controlled, planned way.

Know anatomy and know where You are striking Your sub/bottom. If You are striking them repeatedly or with force over bony protuberances on the body, You may bruise or break the bone. If You strike them repeatedly or with force over their kidneys You may bruise or scar their kidneys.

There are numerous publications and websites that have charts showing safe and unsafe area’s to strike a person. Study them.

With Your hand, a whip, a paddle, a crop, a flogger, a cane, anything You are using to strike them, know Your instruments, know Your art, know where to strike and where not to strike, and the amount of force it is safe to use.

Always have sharp scissors, preferably bandage scissors, handy when You are tying someone up. It only takes a few minutes for lack of blood supply/oxygen to cause necrosis of tissues and nerve damage.

If it took You 20 minutes to tie them up and it’s going to take You 10 minutes to untie them, You better have a backup plan for when things go wrong, and with rope play Your best backup is a pair of bandage scissors and depending on the rigging a spotter to help if/when things go wrong.

There are so many potentially dangerous forms of play, that’s why trust, knowledge, knowing Y/your play partner, education, negotiation and control are so important.

Part of being a good Dom or sub is playing responsibly.

Yes, accidents may happen, but if Y/you play responsibly Y/you minimize the risk. If it was something that could have easily been prevented, then maybe Y/you shouldn't be playing with that person or in that way.

So yes, i accidentally burned myself with my wand, and yes i was being stupid. It’s not something i'm bragging about or proud of, it’s something stupid that i shouldn't have let happen.

It is no good to play with someone who gets so caught up in the play that they lose sight of safety, even if that someone is yourself.

Be smart, play responsibly. When Y/you don’t and something serious happens, W/we all suffer the consequences. :(

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

There is a Difference…

There is a difference between dominance and aggression.

The dictionary defines aggression as:

1. Hostile or violent behavior or attitudes toward another; readiness to attack or confront. 
2. The action of attacking without provocation, esp. in beginning a quarrel or war. 
3. The action of a state in violating by force the rights of another state.
4. Any offensive action, attack, or procedure; an inroad or encroachment: an aggression upon one’s rights. 
5. Psychiatry. overt or suppressed hostility, either innate or resulting from continued frustration and directed outward or against oneself.

Being a Dom isn't about being aggressive. Being dominant is about being in control, it’s about power and power exchange, command and consent. They may be sadists who practice their arts on masochists, but then again they may not, it depends on the kinks of those involved.

There is a difference between rough sex and abuse. Know who you are playing with, know why you are playing that way. Don’t confuse reality with fantasy. And don’t confuse dominance with aggression.

There is a difference.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Ice Cream

my favorite dessert in the whole wide world is ice cream. i love it. Give it to me on a stick, in a cone, a bowl, drizzle it with fudge or sprinkle it with fruit, heck, hand me a tub of ice cream and a spoon and i’ll be happy.

Ice cream, in my opinion is the food of the gods.

And my most favorite ice cream is a mud pie made by a local restaurant here in town. 

Now pay attention, because i’m pretty sure there’s magic at work in the recipe. It has an crushed oreo cookie pie crust with a thin layer of fudge spread over the bottom. Then a layer of coffee ice cream and a layer of vanilla, each about one and a half inches thick, followed by another thin coating of fudge. Then the whole thing is topped by whipped cream and candied almond slices, and it is divine!

It goes for almost eight dollars a slice, and if you order a whole mud pie ahead of time you can get it for the bargain price of $45, and it is worth every penny.

i don’t eat it every day because, well frankly, it’s very rich, it’s loaded with calories, it’s expensive, and it’s too much work to make. Every layer takes prep time and chill time before you can move on. It’s a process that takes hours, i've done it.

Now you may wonder what inspired me to go on about ice cream on my naughty blog, and sadly, it isn't because i'm eating a slice of mud pie right now. 

It’s because it occurred to me that ice cream and mud pie are a perfect metaphor for something i've experienced with my play partners in the lifestyle.

And here it is. You don’t have to feed me mud pie every night.

The mud pie is delish, and i will never turn down a slice, but as i said before i got to the mud pie, i am perfectly happy with ice cream in any of it’s yummy and varied forms. 

You don’t have to pull out all the stops every night. You don’t have to come up with something new and different and amazing and more all the time.  

I don’t need or want pushing limits and exploring new territory every time we play. Some times i just want to share a tub of ice cream and to spoon.

In fact, sometimes, i want a cookie, or a cupcake, or to skip dessert all together or have a second helping of the main dish instead.

You’re making this harder than it has to be, and letting the ice cream melt in the process. Let’s have the mud pie as a treat.

That’s all i’m saying. Ice cream is good, don’t ruin it for me.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Being Submissive

People sometimes ask, “When did you decide you were submissive?” And certainly you can make decisions that affect your attitude about things, but i didn’t decide to be submissive, i am submissive.

It’s a state of being, like when you are happy, or angry, or content, or scared. Yes, you can make choices about things you do that affect your attitude, but you don’t decide what scares you, it just does. You don’t decide what moves you, it just does.

i think if people understood that better they might be less judgmental of other people’s kinks.

i love water, love the ocean, i once spent almost an entire day on the beach in Waikiki, just swimming out into the ocean and letting the tides and waves push me back to shore while i floated, buoyed by the water. It’s not something i chose to love, i just do. It was relaxing, amazing, fun. A very good day.

i have a friend who is terrified of water, any depth that is over her head. She doesn't swim, never goes in the ocean, not even to chase waves on the shoreline. What for me is bliss would for her be torture. She doesn't choose it, i don’t choose it. It just is.

I don’t think you can turn someone into a submissive if they don’t already have it in them. I don’t think you can turn someone into a Dominant if it doesn't exist within them already. The same goes for a Top, or a bottom, a switch, a slave, a pet, a pain slut. We are what we are.

A person can role play, a person can fake it, but the satisfaction, the well being that i get from submitting, isn't something that i make happen, it isn't something my Dom makes happen, it is something that happens within me that i embrace.

I didn't decide to be submissive, i am submissive, i decided to embrace it.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Control and Being In Control

Control is a big deal in BDSM/Lifestyle play. As a submissive, i am willingly giving my Dominant control over me. i want Him to take charge, to be in control. i consent and give Him that power over me, and in that giving i am trusting Him with my person, my psyche, my emotions, my well-being. Trust isn't just desired, it's mandatory.

It’s not just control over me that i need from Him though. Even more, i need Him to be in control of Himself. The activities and play of the lifestyle are intense. The activities and play are dangerous. As players W/we want that intensity, W/we flirt with that danger. We get high from dancing on the edge. But always, always W/we need someone to be in control, to keep U/us from falling over the edge into the abyss, to keep U/us from harm. And that control belongs to the Dominant, and it isn’t control of the sub, but control of self.

It is understood in the lifestyle that the submissive is in control, and certainly, if the Dom has self control, that is true. But that is the danger and the risk we as submissives take when we consent to play. The risk that the Dom, the person in control, will be able to control themselves.

Control is a big deal in BDSM/Lifestyle play.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

It Doesn't Work That Way

i see so many new submissives thinking they have no say in their relationship with their Dom and it doesn't work that way.

If you have no say with your Dom, it is because you have negotiated to give them that control, not because you are submissive and you have no choice and your Dom has taken it away from you.

i am submissive, not because i like to be abused, neglected, made to do things i don’t like and ignored. i am submissive because i take joy and pleasure in submitting to another’s will. It turns me on, it gets me off. i love when He tells me what to do, when He pushes limits, when He makes decisions and choices for me, but not ones that make me miserable and unhappy all the time.

If He is pushing a limit and helping me to expand my understanding, my experience, my pleasure and my joy, then yes, please, push me past my comfort zone, it may be difficult but i know and have consented to that difficulty, i know, W/we know, that ultimately He is giving me what i want, i know i can trust Him with my limits.

But that isn’t Him pushing me to do things i am genuinely not okay with. It is not Him pursuing only His pleasure while neglecting mine. And the way that He knows the difference is limits and negotiation. Limits are good. Everyone has them, Doms have limits, subs have limits. 

Limits protect your relationship. They set the boundary's of Y/your play. They show you where the line is, where to push, where to pull back. Know Y/your limits, discuss them, negotiate them, they are for both of Y/you.

Your Dom isn't doing you a favor by dominating you any more than you are doing your Dom a favor by submitting to Him. You submit to Him because it brings you pleasure and joy, He dominates you because it brings Him pleasure and joy.

He wants the D/s relationship as much as you do, He is getting something from the D/s relationship as much as you are. It is as much His best interest to know your limits as it is yours.

If He is consistently pushing you past what is acceptable to you, the relationship will fail. If Y/you aren't discussing both of your wants and needs, it will fall apart. You may lose your Dom, but He is losing His sub as well. Talk about limits, understand them, accept them, work around them, negotiate, communicate.

i love giving up control, i love submitting, i am submissive.

There are many submissives in the world, and luckily there are Doms out there to compliment that feeling, who love receiving that control. But no matter if it is a long term relationship, or a one time scene, what is going on between Y/you during that time is a relationship.

Y/you are in this together. You don’t just show up as a sub and start doing everything He tells you to do without discussion. Just because you are sub doesn't put you at the whim or mercy of any Dom that comes along who wants to dominate you. He isn't all knowing, if Y/you haven’t discussed it, negotiated it, how can you possible serve Him well, how can He possibly dominate you. It doesn't work that way!

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here