Subspace

There seems to be a lot of interest in subspace, and i see some people holding it up as sort of a "gold standard" they use to judge Dominants and submissives and scenes with, and quite honestly that's bullshit.

Subspace is just a place you sometimes end up in your head and it's different for everyone. It's also not exclusive to submissives, Dominants experience it too.

For myself, i don't recognize i'm in subspace until after the fact and probably wouldn't have labeled it as such if i hadn't dropped so hard after my first experience with it. And even then it was several days before i could actually process it and articulate it.

For me, subspace is everything feeling right and wanting more.

It's like that perfect date we all dream of where everyone says the "right" thing and does the "right" thing. Where everyone is witty and clever and the food is perfectly flavored and there is the exact perfect amount. Where you think of and say the perfect response to whatever your date says, and they say the perfect thing back.

Only it's a scene and the things being done and said involve pain and humiliation.

For me, it's feeling no hesitation and no trepidation even when you're skirting along the edges of your limits. Everything feels good and tastes good and you're all powerful and the world is beautiful and you can move mountains with your bliss.

In short, it's a really good endorphin high. Your system is flooded with adrenaline and all kinds of other feel good hormones and you feel alive. Alive alive.

Does it happen every time? nope. Does that mean other scenes aren't good scenes and other fun isn't good fun? nope. It just means that this one particular scene ended up there.

And the thing is, it wouldn't be as amazing when it does happen if it happened that way every single time. Plus it would be exhausting. Like take a week or more to recover at least, exhausting.

And everything can't be perfect all the time. And everyone can't be perfect all the time.

And sometimes less is more. And i can't stress that enough. Sometimes less is more.

If you go into every scene expecting perfection i don't see how you can avoid being disappointed. Scenes are about having fun not about being perfect.

And honestly, when it happens for me, i never know it's happening while it's happening. i'm just having a really good time.

And then also there's drop to contend with. The first time i experienced that i wasn't expecting it at all. And now, even knowing what drop feels like, knowing what to expect, it still really sucks. i can't stress this enough. i don't like drop at all.

But if you have this idea in your head that to be a good submissive or to be a good Dominant or to have a good scene that subspace has to be achieved you're missing out on a lot of fun.

A lot, a lot of fun.

~sandi

ps. agree with me? disagree with me? leave a comment please. :)

When i kneel...

i am not less because i choose to kneel. 

You are not more because You choose to stand over me.

The choice isn't to put someone else's needs above your own.

The choice isn't to give up our rights.

The choice isn't to give up our minds.

The choice is to fulfill our needs. 

The choice is to mutually do and give and experience things together that enrich U/us both.

The choice is for actions and experiences that require the other to be possible.

The choice cannot be made alone. 

A submissive can kneel before many people without it being submission. 

A Dominant can stand over many people without it being domination.

It's give and take. 

It's mutual. 

It's supportive. 

It's equal.

The choice is to trust.

The choice is to become.

The choice is empowering for both sides.

When i kneel i am not choosing to be less.

When i kneel i am choosing to be more.

~sandi

The Bra - A tutorial

i had a bit of fun earlier this year making a spiked bra and it's been an incredibly popular post on my tumblr.

So...for those of Y/you who would like to make one of your own, here are the instructions.

Materials

• A bra of appropriate size
• Metal spikes, i got mine here
• A nail
• Hex screw driver

Here's what i did, and what i would do differently if i ever make a second one.

To put the spikes in you just have to push a hole through the material first, which i did with a nail that was close in size to the shaft of the spike. The spikes screw together, so push the spike shaft through the hole and tighten the back with the driver. Easy peasey. :)

For this bra i started in the center of each cup and put in four holes surrounding the nipple area, and then worked out from there trying to stagger the placement of the spikes. It turned out well enough, but if i were to do it again i would start at the edge and work my way across the cup of the bra. The reason being it got a little uneven and difficult to gage placement and ultimately i wanted the entire cup filled anyway. It doesn't keep it from being a delicious toy to play with, but i would like it better if the spacing had been consistent throughout and i just couldn't achieve it the way i started.

Wearing it is incredible fun. When it's first on it's a little uncomfortable but not incredibly so. If you spend your time with a sadist they seem to take great pleasure in squeezing, pressing, pushing etc. which can go from pretty mild to pretty intense. Even without the assistance of a sadist after a while the spikes start to ache a little and the pain increases the longer it is worn.

Something i wasn't expecting is when your breast is squeezed inside the bra, because it's a supple fabric the ends of the spikes move together and apart which pinches and is particularly ouchy. Especially when it gets just a little bit of skin between the tips of the spikes.

And all pain aside, just having it on, the weight and the pressure of it makes one incredibly aware of their breasts.

That's it, it's incredibly simple but somehow people seem to be intimidated by the idea. Don't be, it was amazingly easy and inexpensive and only took and hour or so to make. And it's great fun.

If Y/you have any questions let me know in the comments. i would love to see Y/your projects if you try it or something similar.

~sandi

As a submissive i am strong as fuck

As a submissive i am strong as fuck, don’t ever forget it.

Do i enjoy rough play? Absolutely.

Do i enjoy differing to my Dominant? You bet!

Does giving up control turn me on? More than you know.

Does rough play and pain arouse me? More than i would have thought possible.

Am i weak? No.

Am i less? Hell no.

Am i more breakable than any other woman on the planet? Not a chance.

i am as breakable as any other person on the planet, submissive or not. i am as needy. i have just as many insecurities, flaws, desires, fears, etc.

As a submissive in a consensual D/s relationship, i am strong as fuck. 

It’s my choice to be on my knees.

It’s my choice to bend, to bow, to submit, to kneel, to obey. mine. my choice is what keeps me there. my resolve. my willpower.

You may be spanking me, flogging me, tormenting, teasing or punishing me. But my safewords are mine. my consent is mine, i’m the one who decides to use them or withdraw my consent. 

Just to be clear. i’m a submissive and i’m strong as fuck.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here 

Masters and mastering

i was talking with a Dominant whom i am close to and in the course of the conversation it occurred to me that it’s not just a Master that i want as a submissive but to be mastered.

There are a lot of people new to the lifestyle or maybe even who have been involved in the lifestyle for a while who want to be a Master and who even claim the title without really considering what that is outside of being dominant.

And i think it’s fairly safe to say that for most submissives just any Master wont do. i don’t want a Master….i want my Master. 

And i don’t mean as a possessive pronoun but rather as someone who has mastered me. Mastered being used as a verb .

The verb, to master, is defined as to acquire complete knowledge or skill in (an accomplishment, technique, or art) with synonyms like learn, and grasp, and understand. So you master the art of woodcrafting or you are a master rigger. 

And for myself, that depth of understanding and knowledge, the skill and patience and persistence to become a master is a large part of the appeal in a Master.

The idea of giving up control to someone who has learned you, studied you, mastered you send shivers up my back. It’s that level of communication and agreement and trust that i want.

i’m not looking for Superman or super powers or super anything and i certainly don’t want perfection. But i do want someone who is going to invest as much in me as i invest in him. 

If i am going to call someone Master i expect them to be willing to master me.

~sandi

originally posed on my tumblr. here

BDSM, fiction, and Oz

People sometimes ask when i decided to be submissive, or when i knew i was submissive, and the thing is, i’ve always known. i didn’t always call it that, but it’s always been at the very essence of who i am.

So i get it. i understand why so many people heard about 50 Shades and read it and were moved or affected by it. i don’t understand how they got past the bad writing, but the topic, i know why that’s so appealing.

From the outside, BDSM is pretty horrific. 

Sure people bandy about words like consent, but from the outside, it looks like some crazy wack job is consenting for some other crazy wack job to do awful, horrible, unspeakable things to them. They just give up all their rights and endure and these sick people somehow get off on it. Sick people doing sick things to other sick people. 

Who’s going to do that? Crazies, that’s who. 

So it’s not a very accessible topic.

Masochism? Sadists? BDSM? No thank you.

i’ve known all my life that i’m a pleaser. i was recently called an empath by a friend. i feel for other people and honestly enjoy their enjoyment, their fun, their pleasure. It gives me pleasure to please others. There’s nothing sick or scary about that, but tack any kind of BDSM label like submissive on it and we've gotten into some rocky territory.

The understanding that consent can be given only to specific people in specific circumstances for specific things isn’t observed from the outside. And the idea that consent can be removed at any time for any reason…what?

The communication, the negotiation, the relationships all happen off stage.

Even the movie The Secretary, which i love, doesn't show any negotiation happening. The closest thing you see to it in the movie is when he tells her to stop cutting and the fact that she actively pursues him. i like to believe that those necessary conversations are happening off screen but that may just be me justifying my like of the movie.

And for myself, i saw The Secretary before i became involved in the lifestyle. And i was shocked and amazed that it was a tender love story that involved BDSM. They were still damaged people doing freaky things together, but they loved each other, and for me, it made BDSM just that much more accessible. That much more within my reach.   

From the outside, BDSM is very black and white.

So it shouldn't be a surprise that someone outside of the lifestyle who writes a novel about BDSM as they perceive it is going to get it wrong.

It also shouldn't be a surprise that a person who has denied the possibility of their submissive or Dominant nature is going to read a book like 50 Shades (assuming they get past the bad writing) and latch onto a “love story” where people indulge in what the reader perceives as BDSM and it somehow all works out in the end.

i think the main difference between The Secretary and 50 Shades of Grey is that The Secretary probably fairly accurately portrays how the uninformed stumble into the lifestyle and 50 Shades is beyond unbelievable in it’s plot and characters.

My main beef with 50 Shades of Grey (aside from the bad writing) has more to do with its readers, some of whom are my friends, who somehow think it is the new gospel of BDSM. And the reason i dislike the book so much is it’s widespread acceptance as being representative of BDSM.

There’s plenty of other BDSM fiction that gets it all wrong and nobody cares. 

The Sleeping Beauty novels make my panties wet and there isn't a moment of negotiation or communication or reality or consent anywhere in those books. They also don’t pretend to be anything other than a kinky fantasy fairy tale and no one mistakes them with anything to do with reality.

So if you came to the lifestyle because 50 Shades of Grey made it more accessible, good for you. We are all on our own journey and we can reach the same destination from many different paths. 

But please don’t think that you have to do something you don’t want to because you are submissive or Dominant. 

Please don’t think that once you have given your consent that you have given up the right to withdraw it. 

Please don’t think that as a submissive you don’t have the right to say no, or to express your concerns or talk about what you like, want or need from your partner to be happy.

Please don’t think that you have to be anything other than your full authentic self to fit into the lifestyle.

BDSM isn’t about shades of grey. It’s about a full color spectrum of people and activities and choices that make our world beautiful. Don’t limit yourself to Kansas when you could be playing in Oz.

-sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here

Humiliation Play

My first Master was high protocol and a humiliation Dom so i had many many rules from him, which i loved, one of which was that i was never allowed to meet his eyes without permission, and i always had to have my eyes cast down unless otherwise instructed by him.

The humiliation was very ritualized and within “the scene.” Outside of play sessions he was very supportive and endlessly patient. And we talked about everything. But our play always started with me disrobing and crawling to his feet and then “assuming my position” which morphed and changed over time.

We didn’t start with a whole list of rules, we started with one, and over time we added rules, usually when he introduced a new aspect to our play. i always had to be able to recite my rules at any point he requested them, and that was both inside and outside of play.

At the time i was pretty terrified of most things BDSM, because i came into the lifestyle with all of the misconceptions that i think a lot of submissive’s have.

That is, i thought i was going to have to do anything/everything my Dom wanted regardless of how i felt about it, but i also felt such a tremendous need to submit, such an overwhelming desire to serve and please.

i say it all the time, but i was so very lucky to have met the people i did when i started my journey.

We talked about everything and then things would crop up in our play. The same would go for our rules, we would add a new rule and then once the rule was in place i had to be uber vigilant to keep it because his attention to detail was phenomenal.

It wasn't only that i had to follow the rules, but he paid attention to them and if i slipped up he caught it immediately. Immediately. He didn't necessarily tell me which rule i had broken, but he would let me know that i had broken one. Which would have me frantically going over everything I had said and done, trying to identify the mistake while continuing to follow his direction within the scene.

That makes for very intense play. i had a very clear understanding of what was expected of me. And a hyper awareness of what i was doing and that i was the focus of all of his attention. It’s amazing being the focus of that kind of attention.

i’m a pleaser and so i was never bratty or naughty on purpose. My focus was on following our rules and pleasing him during play.

He also spent time on aftercare, reassuring and comforting me and making sure that i knew he was very happy with me and my performance, etc. We probably spent as much time talking about it afterward as we had spent on the buildup before hand and he always gave me plenty of time to adjust to a rule before he added a new one.

i never knew exactly what or when he was going to have me do things, but during a scene at some point i would realize that he was going to have me do some humiliating thing that we had talked about and agreed that i would do.

So we may have talked about it a day before, or a week before, or longer, but i never knew for sure if he would actually have me do them or when. But we would be playing and suddenly (for me at least) i would realize what was coming.

And then the turmoil would start. i had safewords. i knew that i didn't have to do it. i knew he wanted it.

And the question for me was would i.

i can say with complete honesty i never knew for sure if i would be able to give him what he wanted until the actual moment when i did.

There was always enough time for me to think about what was coming once the realization struck that it was going to happen, time for me to think about what i was going to do, time for me to wonder if i could.

And then i would do it.

There is such a feeling of triumph, such a rush of power, in that moment. In being able to give your partner something that you didn't know if you were able to give.In overcoming my inner turmoil, fear, disgust, revulsion, shame, i don’t have words to describe it, but i always felt radiant in my humiliation. And proud.

And for me, that is the difference between humiliation play and abuse.

The relationship made me stronger, made me feel empowered and all powerful while I groveled at his feet. 

So, there’s my experience with humiliation play. Do i think it can be harmful? yes. Do i think it has to be harmful? Absolutely not. Would i play with humiliation with just any Dom? Of course not.

Humiliation play is just like any other type of BDSM play. The potential for abuse is there, the potential for harm is greater than with vanilla play, and communication and trust are mandatory. But oh, it’s a heady experience, and i reveled in it.

~sandi

originally posted on my tumblr. here